Rock Bottom
Posted by an
anonymous user on
11/11/2010 5:06:55 PM
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This
11/8/2010
I always wondered if there was a bottom for me to hit. I’ve done so many bad things and with each one, more and more deserved self guilt. Never, though, has it been enough to reach bottom. After doing these things, I always tried to better myself. Psychologists, Psychiatrists, Social Workers, the Church, Alternatives to Violence, Vibes, multiple coping books, and Emotions Anonymous were some of the tools I’ve used over the past 35 years. There was always true remorse at the things I did and a complete commitment to be the man I wanted to be; that those around me deserved. _______, _____, _______, ___, ____, _______, _____, ______, _____ are my only loved ones, I care about, that have witnessed this animal in me (not the kids). Perhaps, some of them will be gone from me forever. That is too much of a nightmare to contemplate. I can understand some of them thinking I didn’t truly love them. They’re wrong.
The last 3-5 years my anger problem has come apart. I used EA to get through some rough times w/o ever denting the anger issue. I stopped EA when each week, I just kept getting angrier at the people there. I could have been locked up on numerous occasions. It took my best friend to finally do it and open my eyes.
The friendship is now over. Not because I want it to be. After all, who would want to lose, having one of the world’s best people in your corner? She was physically taken out of my corner by the only one in the world who had the ability to do it. Me.
My issues are way too deep for me to understand. What I do understand is that I have officially hit bottom. For some reason, it took time in prison to open my eyes wide enough to see the problem was me and only me. I would have thought that the love for my family would have been more then enough, for me to figure it out. It wasn’t. It was the time in prison, that allowed me to see, just how much pain I have caused and how much my family, especially ____, has done, in the attempt to take care of me After endless, apologies, forgiveness’s, promises, and attempts to fix the problem, no one, including myself, has any trust in me.
I owe it to so many to succeed and find happiness within myself. First is God, who has given me a wonderful healthy life surrounded, only, by good things. I know he loves and forgives me. He has shone this to me every time I’ve messed up. (See Matthew 18:21-35 & Luke 17:3-4) Next, are all of the people I have hurt while they were only showing me love. The few that remain and those who don’t can both be shone, by my rebirth, that miracles from God still do occur. Only to you God, I will give the glory. I have finally hit bottom. In Jesus’ name, I pray to you God to help me finally become the man I have always wanted to be and that the world deserves. Please make October 31st 2010, a true day of Satan, the last day Satan will ever enter in me. I am yours God. Not healed yet but born again to you. I know that by truly wanting to live life the way your son Jesus has taught, combined with your forgiveness & love, I will be healed permanently and never vulnerable again.
The past 8 days, I have contacted 3 Christian Churches in the hopes of my possible rebirth. I have officially become reborn on 11/5/10 and now am in search of a Church to be by my side for the remainder of my life.
The ________ Church, after two cries for help over the last 6 months has ignored me.
The __________ Church, after visiting them for the first time, and seeing the people in charge, seemed wrong. The people there, however, were wonderful and I was accepted wholeheartedly.
I have also gone back to the ______ Church., which is the last Church I was an actual member of. It was like coming home. A wonderful welcome back. I have a big hope that they will accept me again. They don’t know the past animal in me, but I truly repent and I know Jesus can kill it and keep my rebirth pure, for eternity.
