Delve Into Jesus : Questions : Not Sure What To Pray For

Comments

I am so sorry you are going through this!

First off, your husband is not treating you with the love and respect a husband should. It does sound like prior to your relationship, he has had a bad relationship and it is possible he has had a series of failed relationships in his life. He probably has few role models in his life for him to even see how wrong his actions are. It appears he feels completely justified in his actions and the fact he laughs at you when you express your emotions is a clear indication that he can not emotionally connect with you. He also has abandoned you in many ways- not just literally but emotionally, spiritually and as a protector and provider for you.

His bonds with his family are probably dysfunctional and that is why they may be his ally one minute and then unknowing the next.

The biggest and most important thing you need to pray for his wisdom and a way out. Not necessarily out of the relationship (although this may be what you need) but out of the hurt. God may provide this way through divorce or through reconciliation but trust that God will show you and be with you step by step as you make decisions.

While it is possible he does love you, he does not know how to love you. His love is based on superficial things, not a deep respect. Wives and husbands are to love each other in a whole, complete love--it is in that way that wives are able to be submissive to their husbands because they can trust them and know that their husband loves them fully and completely and will have their best interests at heart.

Since this has gone on for so long, I don't think anyone can fault you for making a quick or rash decision when it comes to deciding what to do with your marriage. History has a way of repeating itself. If he comes back now, chances are he will repeat his behavior. And, he may become worse.

He needs to be fully healed by God and he really needs some spiritual mentoring. He also has to see that his actions are wrong and destructive. Things he can not accept right now or he would be working to change. This is something I would pray for. Even if it does not save your relationship, he does need healing for himself so he does not do this to someone else or destroy his own life.

In the meantime, I really would live separately from him. This may require you to move back to England (do you have a strong support system there?) or for you to get support from a local church and to make some financial decisions in order to stay in Canada. This is not going against your marriage vows- no woman should stay in a destructive relationship and in staying you are condoning the behavior.

If he choses to change, you will see a long pattern of changed behavior.

There might come a day where he responds to the emails or perhaps he is gone for good...but either way, stand your ground and protect your heart. Do what his best for yourself (and if you have any children, for the children). Get yourself in a place where you are safe, supported and you can find healing for yourself. Chances are you went into this relationship with hopes and still have hopes and you may need to spend time grieving these hopes.

Also, pray too that God shows you what it was that you were looking for when marrying him. You may have areas in your life that you need healing (wounds that happened far before you met him) and hurts that have allowed you to stay and be subjected to his behavior. If it is loneliness or a feeling of worthlessness, pray that God changes this in you so that you don't feel that you need to fill this void with men who are unable to fill it for you. This may require counseling for yourself.

Also, when you pray, ask God to show you exactly how long you should give your husband to actually change his behavior. When you pray for wisdom, pray that you make wise decisions that would be in line with God's will and that God will very clearly open doors (or close doors) so that you have no doubt as to which way to head. If he does not change, then divorce may be an option at that point. As much as you love him, he is a broken man that can not be healed by your love--he can only be healed by God and this starts by him letting God heal him.

Forgiveness is for you, not for him. Forgiveness means that you won't hold onto bitterness and that you will give him and the situation to God. It does not let him off the hook for his behavior and it does not mean that you accept the behavior or that you allow yourself to be abused by him again. Forgiveness will set your heart free to have peace about the situation. And, forgiveness is a choice but one that after making, takes time. Don't expect healing to come immediately...you have a lot still to process. But, do forgive, when you feel you are ready to make that choice. Just don't feel that in forgiving that you accept him back...it will just mean that you won't allow your husband and his actions to make you bitter.

And..don't fear that he hates you. He hates himself and he doesn't even know what love means...it is not you. He is just transferring his hurt and his failures onto you. He needs someone to blame and he needs an outlet for his anger and he has poured it all onto you. A mature, confident and strong man would never do this. He is like a child and he has not matured enough to understand the depths of true love. Standing up to him won't change who he is inside. It may make him angrier or it may make him feel that he has power in leaving each time (this is how he can control you--he probably laughs with delight at getting your emails because he knows he has power over you in this way). Don't let him have that power. Pray that in whatever you do, that you allow God to control your life rather than your husband. And, don't forget too that he feels he holds all the cards in his hand because he has you in a different country. It is possible you feel very isolated with few choices. Remember, that despite the fact you may feel very alone, God is closer than ever and God wants to protect you and keep you safe. Allow God to take control of this situation and know that you are being carried by God even during the times you don't feel it.

I hope this helps. I've been in a similar situation and it is a hard situation to be in. Don't become bitter, become better...don't become a victim but become victorious. With God's help you can do it! I'll pray for you!

3/23/2008 5:04:17 PM - anonymous

Thankyou for you sincere comment, it made alot of sense, but i am hurting and am in much pain right now.
I cannot understand how people can be so cruel.

3/24/2008 2:28:49 PM - debbie, Member of Delve into Jesus since 3/22/2008

While there are those people who are intentionally cruel, most people are hurtful because they themselves are hurting or because they have learned unhealthy coping strategies and they haven't the life skills, tools and/or maturity to know how to navigate life. Thus said, this does not excuse their behavior--everyone is accountable for their behavior no matter what their life circumstances are or have been.

Sometimes when we are hurting, it is an opportunity for us to really get close to God and depend more on him than ever before. God really does see and understand your hurt and while he may use it for you to grow or become stronger, he also will carry you through it.

Take things one day at a time and set daily goals for yourself (even those goals outside of this situation) so that you have a sense of achievement, keep up a regular daily routine, eat really healthy and get a ton of sleep. Stress will make you more exhausted which affects your decision making skills.

I will continue to pray for you!

3/24/2008 9:11:54 PM - anonymous

Dear Debbie,
Sometimes the most heartfelt prayer is simply
"God Help!"
I hope you find comfort in knowing that Jesus is
always interseeding. He knows what to pray.
(I will pray too.)

3/25/2008 9:58:35 PM - Ignited~Faith, Member of Delve into Jesus since 2/20/2008

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