Hi
I am looking into christianity once again after the whole end of time which seems to be coming closer and closer. I know not 2012 because Jesus said he doesn't know the day but after speaking to a minister of RCG and looking into it more i asked and they estimated 2020ish because we can know the season and its 6000 years of sin up, etc i contacted the RCG church because their site seemed well in explaining the end of time and everything. I emailed and one minister wrote back although i have just seen all the articles on here and the net about them being deceiving the minister that i called was helpful to my questions (in some way) and waited for me to call him in case i was not ready. I am hesitant now though with all that i read and for some reason keep googling church names and cults to see like i did with UCG because i found their articles that help those with addictions, eating disorders, etc and if its sinful or you can be helped, etc.
i opened up to RCG and felt bad... because i opened up they didn't find me i found them but now i am worried as to what to do or believe anymore.
I am an indecisive and confused person anyway with a lot of guilt and done a lot wrong so its hard to make a certain and confident decision with this.
I have trouble with arrogance and narcissism at times, i had eating disorders and drug use and battled a lot... i have a history of things bit by bit would ask for opinions and advice for eg... everything i have disrespected/disobeyed to my family and also my problems with self image. I dye my hair because i have severe self conscience and paranoia about my hair colour and worry what people think and being teased or mocked about it. I judge and mock others... but more so now then ever probably due to bad attitude and unhappiness inside. My views on myself and the world are always different and more negative and i struggle with a bit of black and white and paranoia, etc
I don't want attention from you i mean just my life and issues make it hard to be confident and just turn to Jesus 100 when i want too i wouldn't say grace in public or attend church i haven't been in ages and don't know anybody in my area to go along with. I know its a lazy poor excuse but when it comes to self confidence and sensitivity its where i lose out and attitu
Is it okay to continue doing things like dye my hair, make up, etc as long as i learn whats a better person and more about Jesus rather then ignore him and mock the religion as in the past.... i have said sorry but sometimes it feels not enough not enough answers. I tend to over think and not trust anyone at times.
I think i have personality disordered symptoms i used to say i had manic depression and it explained my behaviour well and now i feel i have lied too much through life to protect myself, to get out of trouble, defense, exaggerated truth, a bit of delusions, .... etc i know God loves everyone and Jesus too ... but when your mind thinks differently and is defensive to so much and unable to put those rituals aside because of insecurities etc ... am i still able to try and get to Heaven or Paradise on earth when he comes second coming ? I care for my family too regardless of my behaviour to them in the past and trying to patch things up bit by bit but i care for where they are going to. I don't want them to perish or be hurt when i made them suffer through life sort of thing.
I heard Hell is perishing not everlasting fire which is good relief. Is this believed by all christian beliefs basically ?
I also have tattoos, one i am removing at the moment and x2 others i feel bad i did them even though i knew they were wrong.... and hope i can be looked over for that. It was a silly rebellious attention thing and its true, you do regret them.
Sorry for the diary entry i just wanted some extra guidance and help. I have problems with drugs in the past and trying to be clean from party drugs for good i need to get rid of some but trying to work out how. I have been taking duromine for weight controlling which is sinful because its illicit for me as i got it from someone else not a doctor and its to feed my disordered body image n addictions its probably made me more emotional and able to express myself easier n find answers but i feel i needed to confess a lot of my current state in order to move on and have real answers.
I know a lot of what i can't help and problems is Satan influence .. but i do make my choices too. I know they are wrong and i can't stop a lot of them and sometimes choose not to because of vanity/selfishness but deep down self conscience, insecurities and self image issues.....i understand that i do wrong and worry about my soul.
Thanks.
