Recently I confirmed that my husband of 8 years (together for 18 years) had been having a affair. The affair started about a year and a half ago. I had suspected it about 4 months after it started when I found a bunch of text messaged from my husband to her and from her to my husband all in the middle of the night when he was at work. Then I discovered that he had been keeping up with this same girl on Facebook. Then it was phone calls and him locking his phone and turning the ringer off when I'm home. He would disappear in the middle of the day when he was suppose to be home sleeping, because he worked the night shift. For over a year he lied and denied everything. I even confronted the girl and told her to stay away from my family. She looked at me and lied and said that she didn't even know him. We got into a huge fight and he ended up moving out that night. He called me the next day and begged for forgiveness. I told him that before he could come back he had to tell me everything that went on. He lied again and said that he had never slept with her and that she had been trying to be with him. I took him back, even though I didn't believe him. As a result the affair continued for another 6 months. Everything came to light one morning, when I left work and went to her house. He was there. I never thought that I'd be the kind of women that had to pull her husband out of another womans house. I'm heart broken and broken down. I feel like my whole life has fallen apart. He moved out again. And finally told be everything after he saw that I wasn't listening to his lies anymore. I'm trying to forgive what he did because we have 3 children together and they love there father very much. I also still love him. He really seems to regret what he has done and the pain he has caused our family. But I can't seem to forget about it. It's the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last thing I think about at night. I've prayed for guidance and for God to watch over us ,our marriage, and our family. But it hurts so bad that I can't function on some days. I can't sleep and I cry at least twice everyday. And to make matters worse I no longer believe anything he says. I can't tell if he's lying or not. So of course that puts more strain onto our relationship. I'm trying to put my burdens in Gods hand but it seems so difficult.

4/1/2011 9:02:34 AM by KeeshaD, Member of Delve into Jesus since 4/1/2011

I am so sorry you are going through this! While it is very important to forgive, remember forgiveness is for you to remain right with God and for you to release the anger and bitterness so that you can be whole again. It doesn't let him off the hook nor does it mean that there aren't consequences for his actions.
Trust is one of the main foundations for any relationship-when it is shattered, the entire relationship must be built again. It has to be a brand new relationship and a brand new start. While he may be sorry he caused the pain (and he is embarrassed that he got caught), unless he understands your pain and takes action to fully understand too why he chose the path he chose, he won't be able to build a new relationship with you.
What you had is gone- that is the hardest thing to mourn- it is a huge loss, a death of a dream- a dream of love, a future together, a happy family and the feeling of security for you. Remember when you are sad, that what you are actually mourning is what you thought you had, rather than what you had. What you had was a guy, who, by the sounds of it, was a great father, but had character flaws which enabled him to justify hurting you and seeking out his own fulfillment (selfishly) outside of the marriage.
Until he works to change himself, from the inside out and seeks Christian counsel and has an accountability partner (who is a stand-up Christian male), he is not ready to be in your life. He needs to also show you a pattern of change. Right now, you have a pattern of lying and cheating. While he may stop temporarily seeing this woman, he could end up going back to her or to another woman because his desire to feel like he's a somebody and feel affirmation, adoration and affection is too strong right now. He filled this need, by being immature and selfish and going outside of the marriage. While he might blame you, never blame yourself for his ultimate choice- it is something he will have to deal with between him and God (and you and his family and children).
Use this time of separation to really get close to God- God truly understands what you are going through and sees your tears and feels your hurt. He wants to be close to you right now, to carry that burden for you and for you to experience healing. This healing may or may not involve your husband changing his ways and being an amazing husband-what it does mean, though, is that God can really heal the pain, the hurt and the devastation to the point where you realize that a day has gone by without your heart feeling like there is a crushing weight bearing down on it..then it'll be two days...then three. It is a slow process. Don't expect to suddenly feel wonderful- even after you forgive him, the pain that your husband caused will still linger. God just provides ways to go through the pain, manage the hurt and become a whole, happy, vibrant person again.
When your husband is ready to change, you'll see that he wants to seek counseling (it should be individual counseling for now to resolve his own issues and later on marriage counseling), he will begin a new pattern of behavior, all contact with any past "loves" will stop- he will disable his online profiles, he will delete contacts and even get himself a new number. He will become accountable to you- he will understand that for a long time you will feel uneasy when he leaves and he will be able to assure you, beyond a shadow of a doubt, where he is, even taking you with him as often as possible. His phone will be an "open book", he will be honest with you about the past (try not to dig into the details- once you have the facts, don't further hurt yourself by getting more-it's not going to help you recover from this). And, if he truly does change, it will be not only measurable and over time, but a trained counselor plus his accountability partner can also assure you that they are confident that things are heading in the right direction. Most of all, look to his relationship with God- is he praying, how often, has he asked God for forgiveness, does he take every opportunity to get closer to God and to heal his relationship with God and you?
In the meantime, continue being the great mom that you are, try and shield the children from your own hurts and negative thoughts about their father and stay strong in the belief that no matter what the outcome, God knows what you need, how to heal your heart and how to help you through this terrible time.
I will pray for you and for your family. Again, I am so sorry you are going through this- it is heartbreaking to go through such hurt.

4/1/2011 11:55:29 AM by Elizabeth, Vice-President, Delve Christian Ministries

Hi Elizabeth
Thank you so much for the words of encouragement and the advise. Believe me I am taking everything you said to heart. I will continue to pray and build a stronger relationship with God. I now start my morning off with a prayer and end my nights with prayer. And even though the hurt is still very strong I do seem the prayers do help me to cope better. Again thank you.

4/5/2011 6:41:27 PM by KeeshaD, Member of Delve into Jesus since 4/1/2011

Hi Keesha,
God really does understand what you are going through, what you need and how to heal your heart. In the toughest situations in life we can choose to be a victim or victorious. God truly can help us be victorious, strong and whole, no matter the circumstance or how big the hurt.
I will continue to pray for you.

4/6/2011 5:55:48 AM by Elizabeth, Vice-President, Delve Christian Ministries

HELLO,I PRAY THAT ALL IS WELL WITH YOU AND GOD MOST IMPORTANT! I AM GOING TO GET STRAIGHT TO THE POINT OF MY HEART. I READ SOME OF YOUR POST, THEN I STOPPED! MEANING GOD IS IN FULL CONTROL RESIST THE ENEMY AND HE WILL FLEE FROM YOU! WE ALL HAVE SINNED AND COME SHORT TO THE GLORY OF GOD. NOW I MUST SAY, I WAS SO ANGRY TOWARD MY SPOUSE FOR YEARS SINGING IN THE CHOIR ABUSE AFTER CHURCH, PRESSING ON PORING OUT TO GOD. NOW I WENT TO MY FRIEND HOUSE ONE SATURDAY MORNING YEARS AGO, HER WOMAN BRUNCH @ HER HOME! HER HUSBAND WAS IN QUITE WORSE DECEPTION, BEING IN ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP AND SHE WAS HURTING AND WAS GOING ON TO OVERSEE OTHERS LIVES AND WHEN WE STARTED PRAYING I HEARD THE VOICE OF GOD SAY YOU ARE ACCOUNTABLE, I SAID WHAT ARE YOU REVEALING TO ME I GO TO CHURCH SERVE YOU, SUCH AND SUCH, SUCH AND SUCH, AND SUCH AND SUCH! GOD SAID YOU WERE THE ABSENT PARTING OF BEING A CHILD OF MINE, I DID NOT UNDERSTAND UNTIL I WAS FREE, AND HE SAID TO ME YOU DID NOT HAVE THAT COVERING OF FORGIVNESS TO FORGIVE, NOT THE HURT I AM SPEAKING OF, NOT THE SIN, YET THE FORGIVNESS THAT WILL CAUSE YOU TO NOT HEAR FROM ME, I HELD MY HANDS UP TO THE MASTER AND SAID, LORD I REPENT FOR NOT FORGIVING AND ALLOWING YOU TO TAKE OVER THIS DREADFUL THING. I AM STILL WITH MY HUSBAND, BECAUSE I REFUSE TO ALLOW SATON TO DESTROY MY FAMILY AND MY CHILDREN FATHER AND MY HUSBAND NOW HAS GIVEN HIS LIFE TO THE LORD SOME YEARS LATER. IT WAS NOT JUST ABOUT ME BUT MY CHILDREN AS WELL IT HAD EFFECTED, I HAD TO PRAY AND CAST DOWN ALL OF IT TRUST GOD MAN WILL FAIL YOU, KEEP HEAVEN IN MIND, YOU CANNOT MISS HEAVEN BECAUSE OF UNFORGIVNESS AND LET GOD DO THE REST, IT IS MUCH EASIER, THE SIN NATURE IS NOT YOURS RELEASE IT ALL TO THE AUTHOR AND FINISHER OF YOUR FAITH AND THE WORD OF GOD WILL KEEP YOU FROM ALL HARM, HE WILL LEAD AND GUIDE YOU TO WHAT HIS WORDS SAYS, AND YOU WILL HAVE PEACE WITH HIS ANSWER!!!!! GOD BLESS YOU MY SISTER IN CHRIST!

4/22/2011 6:19:55 AM by DEBRADRP, Member of Delve into Jesus since 4/22/2011

My husband left me for another women. I'm in so much pain right now, he already filed divorce papers after being separated for only a week. I have no peace now..I try to pray for peace to mend if he returns, or to move on if he doesn't. I will pray for you, be blessed that your husband wants to work things out. Mine is not willing at all.

5/27/2011 7:52:40 AM by daisymay27, Member of Delve into Jesus since 5/19/2011

My husband didn't leave or find another lady he picked porn, i have been in the same hell for 28 years.... my children need their father, i did all the stop or get out type of things then i decided i will be the best me i can not wife me, it's been soooo hard because it's in his head, every time he gets on the computer i USED to die inside........then i decided leave it alone how can God move while i'm in the way and i saw him as a bound in chains to this thing, he calls it a sexual game, God help us...I now know only God can move here i am happy with life and i go out to cell grops church ect and have fun i wouldn't be doing all i do before because i like being home playing Wife and Mum....i now play Kaye and Mum never bring up his game i see God as my husband, serve the Lord first with my girls.... i know God has to do more in me reguarding our marriage so how can i tell my husband what to do. I trust God's timing and stay in prayer for him and it's working better then all my words or tears, i'm free from it now it's his turn.God bless..........LET GO AND LET GOD

5/28/2011 3:45:25 PM by mammak, Member of Delve into Jesus since 9/3/2008