I have been married to my husband for 3 years. I just had my third baby last december. I found out that my husband started a relationship with a woman at that same time. Their relationship went on for almost 2 months until I found out about it.
He asked for forgiveness and I forgave him. Many times, I feel like I forgave him too soon. I'm afraid that I am just trying to make this problem go away faster so I can move on...so we can move on as a family. I am hating myself for that. At the back of my mind, I feel like I have no self-respect. At the back of my mind, I want revenge. But of course, I know that this will just make things worse. For the sake of my children, I have to be strong and move on. I think that if I don't have children, I would immediately leave him.
I know that only God can heal me. No matter what my husband does now to show that he is sorry, I still can't help but doubt him. In this sense, I know that only God can truly heal me.
My sister said that true repentance can only happen through the Holy Spirit. My husband is not a Christian. How can I know if he is sincere? How can I know if he is aware of what he has done?
I don't know what I want to know. Can anyone just tell me something? I have no one to talk to.

2/19/2010 10:51:27 AM by broken heart, Member of Delve into Jesus since 2/19/2010

I am so sorry you are going through this and that you have been hurt.

Forgiveness is a choice you make, with strength from God, so that you remain right with God and so that you do not become bitter yourself and you can heal. You forgive because you do have self-respect- you love yourself enough to set yourself free from the bondage of unforgiveness. It is turning it over to God and allowing God to do the rest of the work.

Trust, is something entirely different. Just because you forgive someone does not mean that your heart is ready to trust someone again.

Trust is something that your husband is going to have to earn and show based on his actions. It will take time for him to show you that he is serious because you will need to look for a new pattern of behavior, that he has put boundaries in place and that he is continuing to go above and beyond to make you feel safe, secure and loved. He needs to be an open book at this point in time- due to his past behavior, he needs to understand that you do have fears and worries (which is separate from you forgiving him) and that your fears and worries are justified based on what you have experienced. Also, you will know he is sincere if he takes full accountability for what he has done. He can't blame it on your pregnancies, hormones, lack of attention (which always happens when a couple has new children but for some men they see it as a lack of love towards them rather than celebrating the new arrival and changes in the relationship) or whatever he used as a justification for his actions. He needs to own it himself and he also needs to be real as to what really led to it. Usually it is a very low self-esteem and having difficulty with impulse control and needing constant affirmation that will factor in here. While you can help build his sense of self-worth and self-esteem through encouragement and attention, it is absolutely not your fault that he chose the decision he did. These are things that counseling can help resolve and I think it would be wise to suggest to him to seek out counseling. First, as an individual and if he makes good progress, as a couple later on. It would be beneficial too for you to have separate counseling sessions so that you can have someone to talk to and to support you and so that you can openly express your feelings.

When you forgive, it does not take away the consequences of his actions- it does not immediately heal the hurt or take away your feelings of mistrust. He also has to be aware that there are consequences for your whole family unit- in his role as both a husband and as a father. However, it does free you from becoming revengeful and bitter. For Christians, we know that it is important too to forgive as God has forgiven us too.

While your husband is not a Christian and therefore does not live according to Christian principles, he can still be sincere in being remorseful and in repenting to you. Someday he will be accountable to God for his actions and he will need to ask God for forgiveness too. Even though he does not live by the same values that you live by, he is bound by his marriage vows and he needs to acknowledge that he broke them with his actions.

As far as what you do next or whether or not you stay with him, that will be between you and God. If your husband is willing to go into counseling and has really taken steps to becoming accountable for his actions, then it is very possible that you can build a new relationship together. The old one, the one that you envisioned, is now gone and it would be time to start fresh. Continue to pray and to seek God's direction in your life and take one day at a time. While it may be tempting to make a rash decision or to divorce him due to the hurt, take time to read your bible, get Christian advice and counseling and bring the whole situation to God in prayer. God really does completely understand your hurt, your disappointment, your fears and your desire as a mother to maintain a family unit. When doubt comes or you are feeling like you constantly want to check up on him, give that to God and ask God for wisdom to reveal to you what the truth in the situation really is. Obviously if this situation were to repeat itself, then you can look to that as a similar pattern of behavior and make a decision based on that. Hopefully your husband is fully aware and understanding of what you are going through and not only will he not repeat his actions but he will work on repairing his relationship with you.

I will pray for you and your situation that God gives you peace, strength and wisdom.

2/19/2010 12:10:20 PM by Elizabeth, Vice-President, Delve Christian Ministries

Thank you for your encouragement and for being there. I always feel lonely because I have no one to talk to here. I desperately needed an unbiased opinion.

Thank you so much.

Now, when I am wondering where my husband is and I am worried if he is cheating on me again, I will just try to put everything in God's hands. I have to surrender everything to him.

I was thinking the other day why God wants me to forgive. Why God wants me to stop being angry. I want to be angry. But I guess you are right. It's also for me.

I can't help feeling sad though. I used to think that someone considered me as the most important woman. Now, I know I am not the most important person in his life.

God's love is sufficient for me...does it mean I don't really need the love of my husband? Sorry, I don't know what I'm saying. I'm not good at expressing myself. Anyway, thank you so much.

2/22/2010 4:56:07 AM by broken heart, Member of Delve into Jesus since 2/19/2010

It is hard sometimes to forgive because our human instinct is to believe that forgiveness is "letting the person off the hook" for their bad behavior. However, when we forgive, we are not doing that at all. In fact, we are handing it over to God for God to deal with and God can bring justice and resolution of any matter better than we could. Your anger is because you have been wronged and you would love him to feel your pain and feel your hurt. Trust that God will make him accountable for his actions and that he will face consequences for his actions-either here or when he stands before God. It might be very difficult for you to do right now, but you may find that when you forgive him and thus let the control go into God's hands, that you feel led to pray for his salvation and for him to seek forgiveness from God.
Forgiveness is so hard, so be sure that you forgive and let go entirely and not just half way....if you only forgive half way you'll hang onto the anger and bitterness and resentment and it will eat away at you.
One thing too to remember is this-nothing you can do or say could really prevent someone from cheating again on you if they were determined to do it. You can't check up on a person enough, you can't ask them enough, you can't follow them enough. So, knowing that, it is easier to give it to God and ask God to reveal the truth to you-good or bad-so that you are able to move in the right direction. Otherwise, you'll drive yourself insane.
God's love being sufficient for you means that God can fill in the gaps where your husband can't or won't. He can provide you will peace, comfort and love beyond what we can get from any human relationship. However, we were created to be in relationships, to have a husband and for a husband to treat his wife with respect and to cherish her. That is what you are missing right now.
And, you will need to let go of what you thought you had in a relationship and in a man. You loved who you thought he was, not the present day behaviors and the implications of it. And, just because he had an affair, it does not mean that you were not the most important person in his life. He used incredibly bad judgment to do what he did, it was selfish and reckless and while some men do it on purpose to hurt their spouse, most do not. Chances are, he did not even think about the consequences of his actions or that you would find out and be devastated.
What you need to create as a couple is a new love. The old one, along with the relationship, is gone now. He broke his vows of marriage to you. If things are going to work, both he and you will have to move beyond the past, learn from it, create boundaries from it and move closer together. Through counseling, you can learn to become stronger, to trust again and he can learn what truly led him to the bad decisions he made and how he can make sure that he never puts himself in those positions again and how to resist temptation. While he may never truly fully understand exactly how you feel and how it made you question your value and worth as a woman, he can discover how to help heal the hurt he has caused.
I hope that you are able to see that none of this is any reflection on how loved you are or your worth or importance as a woman. And when you have days doubting your self worth and your value, those are the days you can turn to God and ask him to fill in those gaps and allow his love to flood your soul.

2/22/2010 10:28:25 AM by Elizabeth, Vice-President, Delve Christian Ministries

Thank you Elizabeth for your advice. It really helped me a lot. Just a few days ago, I got into a huge fight with my husband and I was about to leave. I already packed my clothes and my children's clothes. At that point, I just gave up. I didn't want to feel sorry for myself anymore. I also wanted to punish him for what he did. Then, I read your message again.
I really hope we can make "new love". I also hope that this situation will be the first step to leading my husband to accepting Christ as his savior.

3/8/2010 5:07:27 AM by broken heart, Member of Delve into Jesus since 2/19/2010

It is so tempting to leave and pack everything up when you are angry and hurt, however, I truly believe that if it is clear that you should leave this relationship, it will happen not in a moment of haste but after careful reflection and prayer. That way, if you leave, you know that you did all you could to salvage the relationship and that you leave with a sense of peace, rather than leaving behind "what ifs" or second guessing your actions because you left in anger.
I hope, though, that your husband will show that he is serious about starting a new relationship with you, that he has put boundaries in place should he be tempted again, that he is seeking help and that he is working on rebuilding trust with you. Anther thing that might help you out is if he would be willing to have an accountability partner. This would be another male (not female) that he can go to and he can be honest with should he be tempted. Someone who can help keep him on the right path and can be a mentor and a friend. It would be fantastic if this male was a Christian too- a good, solid Christian male could impart his values and lessons he has learned in life to your husband. That way, too, you know that you don't have to be the one to constantly "check up" on your husband- you will know that there is another person out there too who will pray for your husband and be supportive from a male perspective.
If he can do this and you are able to work together to forge this new relationship, while you will never forget this awful time in your life, you can move past it and grow closer together in a healthy relationship.
Your anger, hurt and sense of betrayal is all natural. Be assured that God understands. And, that when you forgive and let go, that you will start down the path of healing. It starts with small steps- go one day at a time. Don't try to solve it all at once or else you will become frustrated and overwhelmed. And, remember too, your husband may never truly feel or understand the full sense of hurt you have. In order to stay, while he needs to try and become more aware and sensitive to the damage he has done, he can't possibly be you and feel exactly how you feel. Sometimes we want that other person to feel the anger, the hurt, the sadness in the exact way we feel it. If you expect that to happen, you will find yourself increasingly more frustrated and this will lead to fights (which only move you further apart).
Remember in each discussion you have with him one thing- is this going to draw you closer together as a couple or will it draw you further apart? Is the argument constructive? or is it destructive? Name calling and "right fighting" won't get anyone anywhere except further away from that new relationship that you need to build. And, quite often, the subject you are fighting about is not really what you are wanting to say or express. If you need something specific from him, let him know (men like specifics). And, ask him too what he needs from you right now. He just might be completely embarrassed over his actions, overwhelmed with guilt and scared that he will lose you. It may be hard right now to support him and encourage him, but in the "new relationship" it is a first step in building this relationship.
I will continue to pray for you both.

3/17/2010 6:01:19 PM by Elizabeth, Vice-President, Delve Christian Ministries

I am sorry for your pain. It happens to many people both saved and not saved. Your husband has a worldly mentality and that does not help the situation. He is saying all the right things by asking for forgiveness but if he does not have the holy spirit living on the inside of him and a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, his words are just those words and the chances of him cheating again are much more common.

You as a Christian must forgive him, whether you want to or not. It's okay to be angry and be honest about your feelings. You must tell the Lord everything and let his will be done and not your own. Jesus died for each sin. I can't explain it away but you have to do this for yourself. If you allow bitterness and unforgiveness to habor it will take root and destroy you life. Trust me I know.

Your husband must know that you will not tolerate his infidelity. He needs help. What is the root cause of this sin. He is putting you and your family at risk both physically, emotionally and spiritually. Sex out of marriage is dangerous. I would seek outside help from a Christian counselor. I would stay close to my Christian friends and do not blame yourself. That is a lie from Satan who will twist your husbands sin into your guilt. I know, I've been there. There is hope only in Jesus but for all people. Pray for your husband, ask God to speak to him. Remember, nothing is impossible with God. I know it hurts beyond belief but a good work can come out of ashes. Stay strong in spirit, God sees and he is not silent. Remember Is 59:1 "the Lords hand is not to short that it cannot save nor his ear to closed that he cannot hear"

6/13/2010 2:35:08 PM by dbarnes1912, Member of Delve into Jesus since 4/26/2009