My husband and I have had bitter, physical arguements for months. I moved out with our 2 babies and left him with his 2 teens (that I have raised with him for 11 years).

I have built up such a resentment for months that he is aggressive, cold to our 2 year old and puts everyone else above all of us.

He swears that he has seen the light in regards to our anger hurting the kids, but his resolution is to separate to rebuild his relationship with the older two kids, and the younger babies will never have to hurt with our anger and will always know he loves them. He tells me always that he loves me and I am a good person, but he never wants to be in a relationship with me again.

He also began making very good money and thinks that he will continue to make more. So, this would be a good time to divorce when I won't take much.

I never considered divorce. I prayed before I met him for God to bring someone in my life to share a future with. I never thought it would be someone divoreced with 2 kids, but I fell in love with the kids and then thier dad. I adopted this family as my own in every way. We had troubles, I prayed and did novena's to St.Jude. We were shocked to become parents to our son and then our daughter. I feel God has always answered my prayers to show me that we belong together as a family.

I have been separated now for a month. I want to be whole again with everyone together. I have given him space. With the help of my intial prayer request posted, I fell stronger and things have become more peacful. He admits that he had problems and puts the babies as more importance in his life, this has helped ease my resentment. But he does not want to make the same mistake again and be together.

I struggle daily with my direction. I want to hold onto my faith and pray for God heal all of us. To enter his dreams or anything to help my husband realize his family needs our family together. I cannot ask my husband to seek God, he won't if he feels like he is asking for anything. So, I pray that he gets guidence on his own to reflect on our history and where he wants us to be in the future. But then, there are times that I want to move away from this hurt. To dwell on all the bad times and to wonder if God's plan for me is to be with someone else who will love my babies daily and with whom I will have a happy married life with someone else.

I feel like this separation has given us the time to not have arguements in front of the kids.To help ease the resentment. Forme, to remember why I love him and why we need to be together. But at the same time, it has given my husband more resolve that peace without the whole family together is better than stress of taking time to work towards getting back together.

I wonder what God wants me to do. I wonder if I am to hold on to someone who does not want me or to let go. I wonder if I am being tested and I am terrified of failing. I wonder why if my kids (all of them) are suffering in thier own way, God is not showing us a common goal to work towards. I wonder what my purpose in life is. I wonder if why my husband can love me (and I do believe he does) and want to hurt our family. How can God let him love me, but not show him any signs that this path is wrong?

God speaks to us through the bible, I wish I had more of a sign. I pray for God to show either my husband that rebuilding of family is best, or for God to show me that I need to let go.

How do I know in which direction to put my faith and trust? I keep telling God that I am in His hands, I believe and trust it - at least I think do, but then why am I still at a crossroads? How do I become more giving to God's plan so I can stop feeling so stalled? Is being stalled just an answer to give my husband more time? Or is it me in denial?

I believe every word in the bible. I know He is All Powerful. I know that He can work miricles. I just wish I knew why after all these years of giving to others, I don't what to do for myself. I wish I had a burning bush or an angel or something that I could know is from Him and I will follow.

1/28/2009 1:34:42 PM by renew, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/22/2009

No burning bush, no angel all you need is to keep your eyes on Him,stay in His word i don't know what an Nonena to St Jude is , but for me that would be putting your hope somewhere else, we are not to put anything before Him sorry if i offend you, forgive your husband and your self bind all words spoken in anger, PRAY for your family fight for them in prayer, if you want your family to be whole then you pray forgive love stay still with Him, He will do it learn to trust His timing, rest in Him if your very sick the doctor gives you a script you take it you still feel unwell but you trust the meds to work, it may take another script, but you do get better just not over night, TRUST HIM He is always working to make you better. Psalm 23 & 91 pray them daily, don't keep your eyes on the natural keep them on the answer, start to declare His promise to your situation, pray in tongues build your faith, nothing is impossible with God and all things are possible through Him, remrmber the battle is not with flesh and blood, Lord touch this family heal them protect the children they are the real targets here, we cover them in the blood of the Lamd saying no weapon formed against them shall prosper in JESUS NAME

1/28/2009 4:58:28 PM by mammak, Member of Delve into Jesus since 9/3/2008

I am going through something similar. I am almost four months into situation and all I can say, is if I had things to do over again, I would have trusted God and not try to "solve" my marital problems myself. All I did was push my exhusband farther away, instead of being an example of what Christians should be. Trust God, nothing happens on your timetable, but His. Only He knows when your prayers will be answered and they may already be being answered, just not in the way that you hoped. You can not control what your husband does or the decisions he makes. You can put your trust in the Lord, and be a positive example for your children. They are really going to need you know more than ever. Something that I find helpful is to pray, if you can right now, for your husband with your children. Nothing negative, just positive, encouraging, uplifting words to God with your babies. It does bring peace. My prayers are with you and your family. Hang in there, it will get better, whatever God will bring you.

1/28/2009 5:58:01 PM by Jennel, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/7/2009

Sister Renew,

I'm going to share something with you that I found out the hard way. Your answer is right under your nose. Read God's word about how a wife should be, then speak those words out of your mouth. We are created in His image and He has endowed us with His power to speak and see.

I don't know if you've read Ezekiel or not. But, in it God asks Ezekiel , "Can these bones live again?" Of course Ezekiel responds, "Lord, only You know." Then God told him to speak to the bones that they could again live. This is a wonderful image of God. He gave Ezekiel the words to speak and of course the bones did as God said. But, it was Ezekiel who spoke the words. That's how God gets His work done on earth, through man. We cannot ever be afraid to say what God says. It is He who ha to back up the words, not us. Please read Ezekiel 37:1-14. It is your "burning bush". Old Testament.

Then Jesus told them, "I assure you, if you have faith and don't doubt, you can do things like this and much more. You can SAY to this mountain, 'May God lift you up and throw you into the sea,'
and it will happen. If you believe you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer." Matthew 21:21
Then Jesus said to his disciples, "Have faith in God. I assure you that you can SAY to this mountain, 'May God lift you up and throw you into the sea,' and YOUR command will be obeyed. All that is required is that you believe and do not doubt in your heart. Listen to me! You can pray for anything, and if you believe, you will have it. But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins too. Mark 11:22-25 New Testament. God does NOT change.

Being able to speak and believe and have God back it up is an awesome gift. Yes, God is very good indeed.

1/28/2009 7:24:40 PM by mrspiggy, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/18/2008

Reading suggesstions: Deut. 30:14, and Proverbs 18:20-21.

1/28/2009 7:53:39 PM by mrspiggy, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/18/2008

Your messages and readings have been so helpful.
Last night we went to dinner after my stepdaugher's basketball game. My husband wanted to spend more time with our 2 year old and I wanted my stepdaughter. We had a few growlings at one another while at the buffet. He has so much anger still towards me - as if everything negative in his life is ok, but I am the negative outlet the can dump on.
I had a few comments myself to remind him that he has is not someone who is free from ever burdening others (I remind him how he likes to yell at me when stressed and it is ok with him to have pushed me around).
I regreated saying the things I said, even if true, to drive a further wedge between our healing. Then I was tormented all night by nightmares by the realization that if this divorce happens, I am going to lose more than I already have. I already miss my stepchildren. The baby stays with me every night, and 1-2(different) nights my 2 year old sleeps at his house. I hate the nights my baby boy is gone, I make it better by playing and paying more attention to the baby, but I ache to see my baby boy as soon as possible. But, if this divorce happens, then I am going to have more nights without both of them in the future. I will miss weekends often. I will miss Christmas Eve and morning in jammies some years. I will miss so many kisses and hugs throughout the day and night and when we wake. I know with the older kids that it disappears as they get older, that is why I treasure every moment with the babies now, it is on limited time as is. I woke up 5 different times to go kiss my son and stroke his peaceful face and cry that I don't want to miss him. I don't want a divorce. I don't want to lose faith that God is working for us. I don't want to speak defensivly with anger when confronted with anger. I just want my famlily whole.
The good news that I am focusing on is that my husband's anger towards our 2 year old is subsiding. He does appreciate him now that he is not with him every day. That IS GOOD. That was the source of so much of my internal anger every day, so now that he is being the dad I knew he could be to our 2 year old, I want it every day. I want the opportunity to grow together again with that peace.
Secondly, coming to this website and praying for others has helped me feel good this morning. I never knew that joining a community couuld be so good - I never 'got' it before. Praying for others - strangers whom I am getting to know - has made me feel so good. Realizing when things seem to be going forward with my husband that it is from God and it is because there are so many prayers joining mine is beautiful. It makes me want to pray more for others and rejoice in thier blessings because we are all His children and I want the best for my brothers and sisters. Praying for you brings me peace, brings me joy, brings me hope and reminds me that God does work through all of us and regardless of what the future holds, He is with us. So, thank you all for not only your prayers, but for allowing me to pray with you and for you.

1/30/2009 11:11:13 AM by renew, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/22/2009

It is good that you regreted the words you spoke. Yet, your husband's heart is softening. That's God. Thank you for praying with and for me. I am a firm believer that what you cause to happen for others, God will cause to happen for you. I know that when I pray for other peoples circumstances to change, mine change. Something good always happens when I pray. And since we know that God is no respecter of persons, something good happens for any believer who pray for another person. Keep praying. Keep believing and keep your eyes on God. Read, meditate on and pray His Word out loud. Your circumstances will change. You will not have to regret anything you say to your husband as all your words will be uplifting and full of love.

1/30/2009 3:13:13 PM by mrspiggy, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/18/2008

I know I have been up lifted just by talking with all of you. It has been much better than counselling ever was. My daughter is going through with a divorce and she has 2 older adopted children from her husband and has a 10 yr old together. It is so hard on the children, but she is trying so hard for their sake. She cannot take her husband back as too much as gone on in their marriage for them to ever make it with each other. We just hope and pray that the children will be okay, and yes it is hard the nights that they are with the dad. Keep the faith.

1/30/2009 5:09:47 PM by 1recorder, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/22/2009

"She cannot take her husband back as too much as gone on in their marriage for them to ever make it with each other"

Are you sure? Is anything too hard for God?

The Bible states: We make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps." Proverbs 16:9

I find it easier to just ask God what the plan is everyday rather than make my own.

If I'm not being to nosy, what office do you hold?

1/30/2009 11:27:26 PM by mrspiggy, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/18/2008

YES we have alot of questions for god once we get outside his will and the choices we made influence more bad choices which then we blame the devil.But i totally understand where you are coming from on first hand exsperience,by me being hurt i made more wrong choices that kept the lord from extending his hand but rather turning from me.the only advice i have for you is to repent for what ever reasons you made hurt give birth to sin,then do your part and jesus
will do the rest and wait on the lord he has an appointed time.I mean you never thought you would have kids either right? Don't worry he got your back.JUST ASK MS.PIGGY-GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR KIDS

1/31/2009 8:59:35 AM by jodieblunt, Member of Delve into Jesus since 12/2/2008

I just don't know. Yesterday he was so angry. He said such hateful things to me and told me the older kids are basically glad I am gone. That is not what I get from them. But, what if he is right. What if I am wasting my energies on something God does not intend. What if I am hurting my babies more in the long run by not making our own new path. How can my husband have a change of heart if his heart is closed? He believes in God, but not to the extent of praying for His guidence. He does not think you should turn to God in hard times if he does not thank him during good times. So, why and how could God reach him if he is not open? I have prayed for someone to enter his life, for dreams, against any bad circumstance that is worse than this - I don't want our children or our family to be used as an example to pull him to his knees, I have begged, pleaded, prayed more than I have ever in my life, cried, read the bible, have God on my mind througout the day, thanked God for what we have, been more consumed with my relationship with God as my family. But, it is not helping my husband's point of view. He is getting more hateful with his words.
How do I know that God wants me to hang on when all indicators mentally and logically tell me it is unhealthy? What if I am focused on what I want, but God dreams of something else and I have been and am too selfish to consider it?

2/1/2009 10:36:43 AM by renew, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/22/2009

What if God's Word is right? What if When you pray, and believe thAt your prayer is righteous, God answers your prayer and gives you the desire of your heart? What if your hubby is fighting his own battle and the words he spoke really had nothing tO do with you? What if this is all part of the process?

Sweetie, there is one thing you need to keep in mind, Believers believe. We believe the Word of God above all we see, hear or think. We believe God because He cannot lie. If He said it, He wilL do it. The Bible is full of His promises and testimonies of His faithfulness. But, we must each come to know Him intimately. I have this little pennant that I wear on a chain around my neck which reads: "TRY GOD" it's my way of inviting any and everyone to give Him a try. See for yourself that He is true to His word. Praying is not the work of the Lord. Reading the Bible is not the work of the Lord. The work of the Lord is to believe the one He sent.(John 6:28-29) Jesus said everything is possible if you believe.(Mark 9:23)

Do not let doubt or fear stand in between you and the promises of God. Fight the good fight of faith. That is the only battle believers have to fight. Grab the promises of God and hold on to them for dear life. You don't have to fight the devil, you just have to hold on to your faith. That is your only battle. Cast down anything that presents itself against the knowledge of God. You don't have to back up God's word, that's His job. He WILL do His. You just do yours. BELIEVE.

2/1/2009 7:52:44 PM by mrspiggy, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/18/2008

Amen, so good, we don't know what is really going on inside someone else, but He does leave it to Him He has the answer to all our prayers.

2/1/2009 8:26:52 PM by mammak, Member of Delve into Jesus since 9/3/2008

Thank you. For the sake of my kids - all of them, I will not let his words discourage me. If anything, keeping faith will lead to our children having faith in God and their relationship with me as steadfast.
Thank you all of my new friends. I just cannot express how nice it is to have a community of supports to keep me from going crazy and giving up on living God's path.

2/2/2009 12:46:13 AM by renew, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/22/2009

His anger is increasing. He says such hateful, hurtful things. He wants no part of me involved other than exchanging the babies. He says if he is mean OR nice, it is never good - he either has to hurt me with anger or hurt me by being nice and wanting to hold onto faith that we will be together. He said he would never reunite and I need to move on and find my own happiness separate from him.
I have been praying for weeks, begging God to fill me, to feel 'born again'. I have asked God to enter my life, let me feel his presence, send me a dream, I clear my mind and sit alone asking Him to enter, I make promises that I will renew all efforts to proclaim His miricle in testamonials. And still I am paralized at a crossroads. I want my family reunited in His glory and my husband is slipping further away from me and with his anger, I question my sanity of why I would stay with him. Is my crossroad because I am fearful of a divorce? Or is it because I am steadfast in trusting God.
The next couple of weeks will be our wedding anniversary and my 35th birthday. It is so depressing to not share those events as a family as we have for the past 11 years. I always have been a happy,outgoing person who felt I was still young in spirit. The last few months, I have aged so much and feel so old- not just the number, just worn down and heavy in spirit.
Why can't I feel God like I read about so often? Where is the Holy Spirit? I am more than willing to give myself and repent for all my sins. Why doesn't He lift me when I am surrendering? Have I lost Him somehow?

2/3/2009 2:58:02 PM by renew, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/22/2009

As your sister in Christ, I urge you to stop.

Stop letting your emotions rule over you. Tell your emotions that you will believe God's Word no matter what your husband says.

Stop being moved by your husband's threats of divorce. Did the Word not say He is causing all things to work together for your good.

Stop thinking God will make you "feel" Him. Take Him at His Word and you will "feel" peace and joy. These come as a result of you believing.
When you go to Him in prayer about what is concerning you and leave the problem in His care, then thank Him and peace comes.

Stop thinking that He isn't lifting you, He is. You are willing, but as of the above post, you are not being obedient. His word says to BELIEVE. If you keep questioning, you are not believing. Did you have this hard a time believing in Santa or the Tooth Fairy? That's the kind of child-like faith we are to have in Him.

Stop complaining to God. I know you don't think that's what you're doing, but it is. His response is to give you what you say. So, repent of the negative words and only say good things that you want to see come to pass.

Stop being afraid of divorce. God has not given you a spirit of fear.

Stop taking your husband's word s as gospel. Take God's words as gospel.

Birthdays are wonderful. But really, that's the day you should be praising God since it marks the anniversary of the day He brought you on earth. You will have that day even if your husband acknowledges it or not.

2/3/2009 7:45:08 PM by mrspiggy, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/18/2008

Amen, listen to those words of wisdom, from Mrs piggy read them again, read them out loud they have life in them, husband or not it's not man that says who you are it's God, He's the lifter of our head, for that matter let your husband see a woman who knows who she is, don't let his words get in it's the word of GOD THAT WILL SET YOU FREE, you are a woman of worth and great value, it's like a bully at school they are only as strong as you are weak, for you.."When we are weak He is strong", some times we say more by saying nothing.
God bless you, strengthen you, meet all your needs and give you and your children peace

2/4/2009 1:36:22 AM by mammak, Member of Delve into Jesus since 9/3/2008

Hi Renew,

I'm sorry you are being treated so terribly and hurting so intensely. I'm confident God will deliver you from this heartache. I would not know how to read your husbands actions but, I know we can trust that God will work it all out in His time. I also know that God is faithful to reveal Himself to those who keep seeking Him.

Lately, I've spent a lot of time talking with teens. They all seem to have a hard time waiting - for everything. They're rushing into everything and are overwhelmed with frustration if they have to wait for anything.

On one hand, I could be embarrassed that I have so much in common with these teens. On the other hand, I can see the Bible is full of stories of God's people who were constantly reminded to wait patiently for Him to show up. If you do a search of the Bible using the word wait you will find an abundance of helpful verses related to waiting for God to act in your life. The following are a few of my favorites:

Psalm 37:7
Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.

Psalm 130:5
I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I put my hope.

Isaiah 26:8
Yes, Lord, walking in the way of your laws, we wait for you; your name and renown are the desire of our hearts.

Isaiah 30:18
Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; He rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for Him!

1 Corinthians 4:5
Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts. At that time each will receive his praise from God.

God has many reasons for asking us to wait for Him to act or for the revelation of His will. Waiting has a passive component - as in trusting/believing, but it can also be an action word. We can wait by praying, searching the Bible, worshipping and doing the work God has prepared for us. I'll be waiting with your family in prayer for the answers and deliverance you seek.

2/4/2009 9:42:13 AM by Ryan, Member of Delve into Jesus since 12/30/2007

Thank you for your kind and continuing support - I feel like such a whiner.
I took your words to heart. I reflected on my sins which inculde my complaining, impatience and testing of God's Will. I worte in journal as I reflected on the things I need to repent.And then I reflected on all the gifts I have taken for granted. I feel much stronger.

I spoke to my husband this morning. He admits and apologized for his anger, greed and trying to upset me. But, he insists that a divorce will happen. Instead of being destroyed and angry, I recognized the strenth of my speaking with God and repenting and YOUR KIND GEREROUS PRAYERS MOST OF ALL that the anger seems stilled. Even though he still plans divorce at this time, I have faith that if the anger can be admitted and forgiven on each end and with God, then I turst He is working this out on His time table, not mine. I suppose if it was my husband's time table it would be done...so I look at that as a positive to know that God has it best.
Thank you for your prayers, I truely believe you are helping my strength, faith and peace.
I have read and re-read mrspiggy's words and ryan's and the readings. I have worked on being mindful of God in my life. Thank you for your recent efforts and thank you in advance if you happen to think of my family again and send a little prayer up for us!
I look forward to praying for all of you - I never realized how much time I have to think of others whom I don't even know in person - while driving, resting, cooking, quite times are filled with my praise and prayers that include my special friends in faith. Thank you.

2/5/2009 3:14:03 PM by renew, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/22/2009

Well done your open to listen and take on board things thats half the battle some times, stay strong grow in the word let Him be God He does work all things together for good, trust His timing, and let your husband grow at the rate thats his not yours, what we say in anger is mostly frustration, i am guilty of that, but growing in that area praise God i will keep you and your family in prayer . God bless
Matthew 6:33-34. Psalm 23

2/5/2009 8:29:09 PM by mammak, Member of Delve into Jesus since 9/3/2008

A man makes his plans in his heart, but the Lord directs his steps.

2/5/2009 9:09:21 PM by mrspiggy, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/18/2008

Thank you mammak, I went to your reading suggestions last night and ended up spending 3 hours reading the gospels, Acts and Romans. I was most overcome with the passages I was led to one after the other regarding faith and trust- as pure as a child. I ended with the begining of Romans and learned that I need to first reconcile with God all my frustrations, anxieties, doubt and fear - how can I ask to reconcile with my husband, I can I pray he sees the error in his actions, words and deeds if I MYSELF am guilty of much of the same with my relationship with God? I have felt so righteous for so many years for putting the kids and my husband before myself, I have used examples of it in anger when arguing with my husband and dumbfounded that he did not 'get it'. I am guilty for Romans told me how we are not to feel righteous, we are mortal, if our actions were purely given from the heart, then they need not be shouted from the mountiantops to be acknowledged, they stand alone.

It feels to be 'clicking' for me - I am a little nervous to even think that, because I don't want to assume I am 'fixed' and then get anxious again. But flipping back and forth between the gosples, acts and starting Roman's first 5 chapters led me to excitement and then very weary. I was anxious to record my thoughts in my journal before I went to sleep for fear of losing it. Then I was anxious to sleep to see what dreams my come. I dreamed of my husband and myself and I cannot recall everything as I did when I woke, but there was no decision, no divorce talk, no feeling of being together, but also not feeling torn apart. For the first time I woke up and realized , the dream did not give me an answer, but I did not FEEL frustrated and upset. I first am with Jesus and Our Father and I trust them to drive me to where ever we are headed.

I am praying for God's forgiveness still and continuing on my journey to actively seek a relationship of stability first with Him. I believe all of this and all of you were here to help me see THIS path to renew my relationship with God, it was the road that I took advantage of so often, I did not even realize it was an option for me to travel. I thougth it was only divorce or no divorce...but that crossroad is to come somewhere down the line with the road that I walk with Jesus, not on my own.

I will keep posting progress in hopes of renewing our faith more, and knowing that my friends are with us on our journey. I continue to pray for each new post and many posts of the past daily and so many of you are now in my daily prayers. Your support has pointed to the direction, and I am finally reading new eyes to learn rather than to just beg mercy. Thank you.

2/7/2009 11:54:24 AM by renew, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/22/2009

Praise GOD on High!

2/7/2009 3:46:29 PM by mrspiggy, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/18/2008

Yes Praise God.. the name you go be ....RENEW that's what He is doing i feel, keep this in mind, some things have to die in order to grow God Bless

2/8/2009 1:35:03 AM by mammak, Member of Delve into Jesus since 9/3/2008

Hi renew.
Hiw are you doing. I was thinking about your situation and maybe if you let your husband see how your faith has made you a better person, and show him that you are going on with your life (without divorcing) he will not see you as needy, but as a strong woman. Don't let him see how his angry words or actions affect you, but let him see how you are getting along fine without him. He maybe then will start to come around more. Just a thought. Hope you are doing well.
I feel much better about my situation most of the time now.

2/9/2009 12:34:32 PM by 1recorder, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/22/2009

Thank you 1recorder.
I am trying, really hard. I have spoken with him about my faith. He has always known me to consider God in our lives. Sometimes he aggrees, sometimes he doesn't. I have told him I am praying and that I see God working in our lives, but he does not 'buy into" it.
I am getting stronger with the help of God and through his angels here. I am getting astounding positive energy the last few days.
Yesterday was our wedding annniversary. Neither of us mentioned it to one another. I sent him an email Saturday night asking him to meet me at church, it was 'world marriage day'. I asked him not to reply, just to show up or not. He didn't. Then I had a day planned with my stepdaughter and baby girl - she started cutting her first tooth Saturday so yesterday we rushed to have her picture taken with the last of the big, radient, gums only smile she shines every time her eyes are open - honestly, she IS the happiest baby I have ever encountered (even her grandparents all agree, she has fussed for almost 3 hours only 2 times in her entire 7 months of life, other than that, never more than 2-3 minutes - other than that, she is happy, happy, happy - my angel). When I went to the house to pick up my stepdaugther, my husband was playing basketball with my stepson. He asked me if I wanted us all to go golfing later that day. I accepted and later we had a great time with the kids (played for fun, enjoyed the cart rides, and took turns here and there putting while my husband played a few holes). I let the evening end on a happy note and went back to my apartment. I promised God that morning to have a happy day, not to surrender to doubt and trust that He is guiding. And so, I did let the evening end with a good feeling of togetherness and did not cry (even to myself later) that I wanted more.
I really feel for the first time since I found out that I was pregnant with my son 3+ years ago that God is with me, driving the bus and I am to enjoy where He is taking me. I feel calm and secure. Every time I feel doubt, trying to creep in, I think of the past few days and think about the things that are 'clicking' and refuse to doubt.
I am also realizing that most of the time that he has gotten angry, it is when he is feeling a little 'weak'. Weak for him is feeling close with me - like a normal conversation takes a sharp left and anger explodes out of him. I have noticed that pattern - it is part of why I get devasted because things are positive than BAM out of no where he changes. I am praying that is him fighting against God's will and God always wins, sooner or later. So on some level, beyond the anger is a little candle of hope trying to turn into a fire?
I posted a message on a recent prayer (philsomanifest) last night and was amazed of how I got a spiritual connection - I hope he gets it as well - just a little way that this site has helped me reaffirm God's personal working in this world and in my life, a message of faith that He is the ultimate multitasker and He is working on all of us.
I have been praying for you as well. I hoped that your time out from here was a little selfish actually - let me explain - your last message was SO good about your husband, I hoped that between your work and floating on Cloud 9 with him, you were overwhelmed with happiness. I knew you would check back and I kept praying that things were going well and you were feeling good. I am sorry for your daughter, I doubt our children ever get too old to not hurt when they are sick. But, my sister had that surgery done a few years back and she bounced back and never missed a beat. I hope you all enjoyed the chaos of family around you (and I get the sigh of relief for the peace that follows when they leave). What a great relationship you have with her to know she can come, with 2 kids in tow, and know that her parents are there to help her in any way they can. That is a testament of a good bond. Congrats!
On the other suggestion - I am going to take it. I will take the good times and for now, turn a deaf ear on the anger (but try to hear a message to grow on). I have begun to pray before I know we are to meet/talk for God to control my tounge, emotions and remind myself that if I want Him to lead me, then I need to follow and trust that He is working. I am even begining to think of ways to make money while being a stay at home mom. That is something that is good for me without him, and good for us with him. I used to work 55 hours a week before I had babies and have been grateful for the opportunity to be with them, but it was never meant to be permanent - I like working. I wanted to wait a few years before I go full time and the babies are both in preschool (not daycare), so I am trying to start a little now.
I will keep your family in my prayers. Good days here and there don't always change a course forever, but the more they happen, the more we pray, eventually here and there somehow becomes the everyday course. God Bless!

2/9/2009 2:28:50 PM by renew, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/22/2009

Hey, how are you doing? Keeping the faith? We haven't heard from you in awhile. Is your husband getting more willing to work on the marriage? As for me, my husband has been doing great--it may be because of my attitude towards him, but so far things are as well as they can be. Let us know what has been going on so we can all pray for you.

1recorder

3/2/2009 12:08:26 PM by 1recorder, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/22/2009

I went to visit my parents in New Orleans for my birthday, Mardi Gras and 2 family functions. My sister flew in with her kids and everyone finally has met my 8 month old little girl. I did not have much access to share the house computer and spent the little time I had doing work. The rest of the time was spent taking care of both the kids that ended up sick when we arrived (airplane germs I am sure) and one more round of ear infections and high fever before we left. In between, my babies got to see the Mardi Gras that I grew up with not what you see on TV. Outside the French Quarter, there are nothing but local families gathering for generations along the same spots up and down the parade route. We all bring a little something chicken, doughnuts, sodas, candy, cakes, bbq, music, chairs, and whatever to share with the group and the kids play. When they shut down traffic the streets become a place to toss the football with kids and other kids to chase each other with toy guns and silly string. Strollers and other walkers go up and down to see the crowd and find familiar faces. Then the parade comes and my babies sit in a special seat on top of a 6 foot ladder where they are safely strapped in. And adult stands behind them and when the floats pass we all wave our hands and catch beads, stuffed animals, Frisbees, cups, footballs, plush spears, t-shirts and things that blink and things that shake it trinkets are made for kids to relish for weeks. I brought back an entire suitcase of goodies to keep and even more to share with my 2 years olds class. (Mind you, the French Quarter is where it is known to flash for a bead never in my entire life have I nor anyone I know done that if ever asked to flash I have always said I am from here and I get the prize bead we know that that business is not for locals with any respect.) In between, my babies played hard and long hours with their 5 other cousins and many other friends and we visited many of my extended family. It was good to be home.
I never stopped praying for you my dear friends. Each day the mental email got longer and longer. I also prayed for my husband and step kids back at our home. My husband kindly called me on my birthday to tell me what an embarrassment I was to him and that no matter what, my family told me that he would never let me get anything that he worked hard for all these years and remind me that his income always enabled our lifestyle and that it belongs to him, never me. What a great way to start my day. Then he called a couple of times in the middle of the night, when I tried to tell him what our 2 year old was seeing or to let him know that our baby was crawling and playing peek-a-boo, he told me he did not want to hear what they do when he is not there. He called my son 1 time in two weeks to talk to him, he was so excited to talk to daddy and tell him beads parade say, hey!hey!hey! (what you yell trying to get the attention of the float riders when they have a neat throw in their hands) and just his normal chatter and he was full of chatter. My husband (on speaker phone) cut him off and told me he had to take the dog out and it was too cold to hold the phone.
A little time and distance gave me lots to consider. I watched so many families and did not notice husbands calling their wives stupid, fat, and other names my husband thinks is funny to say when we are around others. All the smiles seemed relaxed and not nervous that if the spouse got upset that there might be an embarrassing blow out. None of the husbands seemed to want to boast that they were the absolute best at anything and everything. The kids did not have to ask permission of their dads if they could have a second piece of cake or eat candy without being told they are going to be fat.
I realized how messed up my family life had become and how far we got off track of always making daddy happy, because if he was not, then we would all cringe to listen to the lashing. And for me, to get my head knocked on the side because I was so stupid, he cant even stand to look at my face as he yelled at me. I realized that he may still call me and yell at me and reduce me to tears, but I have not been touched in 9 weeks. Yesterday was our first day back. He called to ask me about refi for our house, and I told him that I dont think we need to spend 8000 to refi until we know what is going on with us. He got mad, called me back and told me my stuff would be on the front lawn (I still have so much stuff there I moved into the apartment with my babies beds and a rocking chair and a futon from our camper for me to sleep on and all the kids toys I did not want to take apart our family home, partly because I did not want to upset him since he said it was all his and partly because I wanted to repair our marriage and move back). I told him ok I would come and get it. Then he called me back a few minutes later and told me he had a better idea if he could not have it, then I could not then he reminded me of the beautiful clock he gave me one year for mothers day and I heard it smash. I hung up. He called back and smashed our wedding picture. I hung up. He called back to smash the picture of New Orleans that my parents gave me to remind me of home I cried and begged him to stop. I told him the kids were in the house and were most probably scared. (The older step kids, not the babies). He told me that they were not, they were mad because they knew that I pushed him to destroy and that it was my fault. Then the 15 year old got on the phone and told me to leave their dad alone and it was my fault that he was acting this way - he was crying. I dont believe he meant it because I know that every time their dad hit me in the beginning they screamed for him to stop, but then they got yelled at because they were selfish.
The best part? I called the cops to go over there. Even though I moved out the day he took a bar stool and threw it over the bar and shattered a light towards me, and threw things at me as I held our 5.5 month old, and even though it was still community property, since I was not there, I could not stop him from destroying the things in the house they are not mine, they are ours and I dont live there so he can do whatever he wants in his own home.
Friends, I think it is time for me to bow out of my marriage. I am beginning to fear for my life. I fear what he has done to his older kids will be done to my babies. I fear that continuing this will teach our boys it is ok to be violent if someone pushes your buttons and I am more scared my girls will think that the man who tells them he loves them can hit them. And mind you, never once did he apologize, always my fault for angering him, which made me run in circles to keep him happy, which this distance has made me realize it is not right. God cannot want me to stay where the kids are so scared. The bible does say that if a non believer divorces a believer, then it is not held against the believer (1COR 7:15-16).
I look to God for strength and perseverance and for protection. I ask not for prayers for me, but for my stepchildren at this time who are caught in the middle. I am thankful that at this time my babies eyes and ears are still innocent and pray that this will pass and settle one day before they know otherwise. I pray that my step kids know that God is with them and they grow with God as they mature and seek partners with like values.

Thank you friends for checking in with me - I was away, but not in my prayers.

3/4/2009 1:27:43 PM by renew, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/22/2009

Wow. New Orleans is one of my favorite vacation spots. It's the food!! I usually spend more on eating than the cost of my flight and hotel combined. Copeland's is my favorite eatery.

I am overjoyed that you are safe and got to spend time with your family. And I am quite familiar with 1COR 7. There is a small flaw in your choice of scripture. It says (15)"If the husband or wife who isn't a Christian insists on leaving, let them go." Wasn't it you who left? The next verse says, (16)"You wives must remember that your husbands might be converted because of you."

I do not feel any person should stay in a place of physical abuse, And I do understand your hurt and fear. So, I say to you now, "Do all that is in your heart, I will stand in prayer with you."

3/4/2009 5:23:05 PM by mrspiggy, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/18/2008

Thank you mrspiggy.
I did physically leave when I was finally scared that he would hurt me very badly. He had been telling me for quite some time that we had to divorce. He offered to leave the house with the older kids but I would be responsible for the motgage. I can not afford it as I was a stay at home mom since the birth of our 2 year old and I hoped that counseling would work. I thought it easier for the babies and I to leave as I could not bear upsetting my stepkids by kickng them out of thier home as well - thier bedrooms, their belongings, their private bathrooms- a 15 and 12 year old identifythemselves even moreso with thier belongings as who they are. I believe the reading to be in a spirit of wishing to leave your marriage rather than the physical home. But, if it is the home, I trust God knew my fear. The day I left, he threw the barstool towards me then my purse, diaper bag, and a few kitchen utensils which inculded a huge stainless steel meat tenderizer - all while I was holding my baby in my arms. I ran to put her in her bed and ran out of the house praying that it was me that he would follow and keep her safe. I cannot explain the fear I had to put her down and hope that it was clear that it was for her safety - and that her mommy's arms were not safe if I was hit.

It is so sad, my heart hopes and prays that my stepkids know the same reason I am leaving is that I love them and want them not to be scared of the anger that thier dad has towards me. They are old enough to contact me, and I do spend as much time with my stepdaughter as possible. My stepson is going to be 16 in 3 months, so I don't see him much - he is typical teen - his friends are his refuge.

New Orleans is beautiful with so much to offer. I miss the food as well - I eat so many fried oyster poboys and crawfish to last me until my next visit I gain about 4 pounds each time. I like to say it is just a mixture of salt and humidity as it comes off pretty easily when I leave;-)

3/4/2009 6:04:37 PM by renew, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/22/2009

Thank you mrspiggy.
I did physically leave when I was finally scared that he would hurt me very badly. He had been telling me for quite some time that we had to divorce. He offered to leave the house with the older kids but I would be responsible for the motgage. I can not afford it as I was a stay at home mom since the birth of our 2 year old and I hoped that counseling would work. I thought it easier for the babies and I to leave as I could not bear upsetting my stepkids by kickng them out of thier home as well - thier bedrooms, their belongings, their private bathrooms- a 15 and 12 year old identifythemselves even moreso with thier belongings as who they are. I believe the reading to be in a spirit of wishing to leave your marriage rather than the physical home. But, if it is the home, I trust God knew my fear. The day I left, he threw the barstool towards me then my purse, diaper bag, and a few kitchen utensils which inculded a huge stainless steel meat tenderizer - all while I was holding my baby in my arms. I ran to put her in her bed and ran out of the house praying that it was me that he would follow and keep her safe. I cannot explain the fear I had to put her down and hope that it was clear that it was for her safety - and that her mommy's arms were not safe if I was hit.

It is so sad, my heart hopes and prays that my stepkids know the same reason I am leaving is that I love them and want them not to be scared of the anger that thier dad has towards me. They are old enough to contact me, and I do spend as much time with my stepdaughter as possible. My stepson is going to be 16 in 3 months, so I don't see him much - he is typical teen - his friends are his refuge.

New Orleans is beautiful with so much to offer. I miss the food as well - I eat so many fried oyster poboys and crawfish to last me until my next visit I gain about 4 pounds each time. I like to say it is just a mixture of salt and humidity as it comes off pretty easily when I leave;-)

3/4/2009 6:04:45 PM by renew, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/22/2009

Thank you mrspiggy.
I did physically leave when I was finally scared that he would hurt me very badly. He had been telling me for quite some time that we had to divorce. He offered to leave the house with the older kids but I would be responsible for the motgage. I can not afford it as I was a stay at home mom since the birth of our 2 year old and I hoped that counseling would work. I thought it easier for the babies and I to leave as I could not bear upsetting my stepkids by kickng them out of thier home as well - thier bedrooms, their belongings, their private bathrooms- a 15 and 12 year old identifythemselves even moreso with thier belongings as who they are. I believe the reading to be in a spirit of wishing to leave your marriage rather than the physical home. But, if it is the home, I trust God knew my fear. The day I left, he threw the barstool towards me then my purse, diaper bag, and a few kitchen utensils which inculded a huge stainless steel meat tenderizer - all while I was holding my baby in my arms. I ran to put her in her bed and ran out of the house praying that it was me that he would follow and keep her safe. I cannot explain the fear I had to put her down and hope that it was clear that it was for her safety - and that her mommy's arms were not safe if I was hit.

It is so sad, my heart hopes and prays that my stepkids know the same reason I am leaving is that I love them and want them not to be scared of the anger that thier dad has towards me. They are old enough to contact me, and I do spend as much time with my stepdaughter as possible. My stepson is going to be 16 in 3 months, so I don't see him much - he is typical teen - his friends are his refuge.

New Orleans is beautiful with so much to offer. I miss the food as well - I eat so many fried oyster poboys and crawfish to last me until my next visit I gain about 4 pounds each time. I like to say it is just a mixture of salt and humidity as it comes off pretty easily when I leave;-)

3/4/2009 6:04:55 PM by renew, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/22/2009

Ok, you left physically but he wants the divorce. Let him divorce you. But, please don't ever stop praying for him. He really needs Jesus in his life. We, as Christians are called to love people who have hurt us and pray for those who misuse us. What is his first name? I want to call it out in prayer.

3/4/2009 8:15:31 PM by mrspiggy, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/18/2008

His name is Kevin.
I pray all the time for him. I have stopped praying for us to reunite, but now focus on him changing for himself and the kids.
I feel that the rage he has when he is angered and blames me for when I am not even involved in the initial spark is too scarey for me to feel safe if we are together and further harming not myslef, but my children who witness everything.
There is a man that I have loved with my every cell for 11 years and I would not erase that, from that I have 2 beautiful stepchildren and 2 beautiful babies. But, I want him back to sanity and calm so the kids are not caught in the crossfire, so they feel confident to seak what is on thier minds, for him to be happy so that he is happy.
I forgive him for all in the past, but what he does today and tomorrow, I don't know how to forgive until it happens. So, until then, I just pray that it never comes to fruitition.
Please pray for him. If he is in God's grace, then so are everyone in life.
Blessed are you my friends.

3/10/2009 2:19:11 PM by renew, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/22/2009

I will be sure to call his name in prayer.

3/10/2009 7:32:53 PM by mrspiggy, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/18/2008

Lord you know the root cause and You alone can touch Him and set him free we ask that you bless this man and his familyand that you send in Your Angels to proctect the children, we say no weapon formed against this man and his family shall prosper in Jesus mighty name.Amen

3/10/2009 11:32:54 PM by mammak, Member of Delve into Jesus since 9/3/2008

You hae come a long way and now it is up to Kevin to heal.
You are becoming strong and very keen in your mind what needs to be done.

We all love you and think about you and your babies.

Recorder1

3/11/2009 1:57:21 PM by 1recorder, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/22/2009

Renew,

How are you? How is Kevin? How has God moved in your life?

4/22/2009 12:34:31 PM by mrspiggy, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/18/2008