Years ago my husband had a long standing affair. He was a drinker at that time and I had 2 small children to raise and didn't care to drink. He is devoted to me now that I have found out for sure at the age of 63, but I have been hurt so badly that I have a hard time getting over it. Sometimes it sweeps over me and I don't know what to do. I feel that if I were prettier he would not have done this to me. I have an excellent job and he knows I am smart, but he never says he loves me, so I don't know for sure. I did get some counselling when my previous boss confirmed the affair for me, but it didn't really help. Sometimes I feel that I don't know who I am or what I am worth to anyone.

1/22/2009 3:12:25 PM by 1recorder, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/22/2009

1recorder, First of all, you were created in the image of God!! And I don't believe God is ugly(smile). Second, YOU are worth God sending His only son to die for YOU. And one way to show appreciation for ALL the wonderful things He has done for us is to forgive others. Pray that God heals your heart completely. Now remember you only have to ask once and have faith...and it will happen. And when them mixed emotions sweep over you...YOU stand BOLD and tell the devil he is a ugly lie...SAY IT OUT LOUD....I AM OVER IT. Always think positive. This may or may not work for you...but my daughter (when she was younger) use to think she was ugly. Well I made her get in front of the mirror EVERY morning and say I AM BEAUTIFUL!!! Well the down side about that is that now she is 18...and she constantly reminds EVERYONE how beautiful she is....LOL...oh yeah God loves you and no one can love you like Him. God Bless

1/22/2009 8:34:30 PM by mexbias08, Member of Delve into Jesus since 12/25/2008

Hi: I am so sorry you are going through this and that the affair has caused you to feel less worthy. You said that he is devoted to you, yet he is having difficulty expressing his love for you. Even if he did express his love for you, would you believe it? I am guessing that, deep down, you would have difficultly believing it even if he were to tell you that. An affair leaves a huge wound with enormous trust issues. And, beyond that, it will cause the other person (you) to feel like somehow you were at fault. Let me assure you, that you are not to blame, nor is his drinking. His drinking is a symptom of his problems just as the affair was a symptom. Deep down, he has an inability to commit to a relationship, express his true feelings and have a solid sense of morals and self-worth. While this does not excuse him, you must not blame yourself- he was broken inside and he needed healing from God (instead he turned to another woman and alcohol to escape his issues rather than dealing with them). It would not matter if you were smarter, prettier or made a million dollars--what led him to his decisions is a drive to feel a sense of worthiness and value. In doing so, he did not even think to consider the damage he would do to you and your children. At this point, you have some decisions to make. One is, can you trust him again? Can you forgive him? Even if the relationship is broken beyond repair, forgiveness is important for your sake so that you can heal your own spirit. Also, are you able to stay in this relationship without being told that you are loved? Have you had a discussion with him about this issue and what is his response? It seems his inability to express his love is something that he requires counseling for (among other issues). Has he been open to marriage counseling? The issues you face are both personal and issues as a couple. Rebuilding trust and love are things you must do together as a couple. The person who has had the affair must commit to doing this for the other spouse. Your personal issues are those of self-worth and value-those are things that you must get from God, because no matter what happens in life, you still have to live with you. The way to move forward is to forgive (which does not absolve him of his actions but you must forgive), you must allow yourself to grieve the dreams you had prior to the affair and you must allow yourself to be open to accepting God's love. It is so hard when you are down and feeling worthless to really believe that God cares or loves you, but He does, despite whatever circumstances we face, He is there. Don't shut God out of your life. Next, you need to decide what is best for you in moving forward. Certainly affairs are one of the things that break a marriage covenant and that the bible gives as justification for divorce. However, since you have not divorced at this point and you feel that he is devoted to you, it is possible that your marriage can be salvaged. Pray that God gives you wisdom in this and how to proceed. You have certainly stayed and been committed to your relationship so you are not leaving in haste. You do deserve to feel loved, valued and cherished. I will pray that God gives you wisdom and the realization that you are worthwhile and beautiful. One book that can really help (or at least I found to be helpful!) is Captivating (By John Eldredge and Staci Eldredge). They have also written a powerful book for the man called Wild At Heart which, if your husband is open to reading it, might help him resolve some of his wounds. I will pray for you!!

1/22/2009 8:39:02 PM by Elizabeth, Vice-President, Delve Christian Ministries

What your husband did was wrong, BUT i'm sorry to say so are you, it's not about your looks and it's not your fault, you need to forgive him, you need to work on the now let go of the past, your letting it hurt you again and again, put your focus on God, give it to Him leave it at the cross, try and seperate the man from the sin, let go and let God, you can't change it, so don't let it change you, Jesus thought you were worth dying for, your husband has made a mistake a hurtful one for you, it's his mistake let him make it up to you, let God heal you. Philippians4:6-7...Be anxious for nothing, but in everything in prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving,let your requests be made known to God and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. God bless and keep you strong.

1/22/2009 9:10:24 PM by mammak, Member of Delve into Jesus since 9/3/2008

I thank you all for your words of wisdom. Especially you Elizabeth, you have hit home with me. Yes I will stay and continue to heal myself and hopefully I can totally forgive him. We are now in our senior years and he is not up for counselling, but all he will say is that the past should be left in the past, and I know that he is right, but I have always suffered from low self esteem, and being hurt to the core does not help that. I will pray to God that he will help me with my issues., and the rest should fall into place. Thanks

1/23/2009 10:23:11 AM by 1recorder, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/22/2009

You are the righteousness of God through Christ Jesus. You are a beautiful daughter of the Most High God. You owe it to yourself to read your Bible and you will know who you are and Whose you are. I will be praying for you.

1/24/2009 10:49:24 PM by mrspiggy, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/18/2008

I am trying so hard to believe in my own self worth, but it is hard to do sometimes. He still at times like to put me down to cover up his own insecurities ( he was adopted and that may be part of his troubles) He is really a good man but he hurt me to the core and I feel so bad sometimes. He is very independent and has told me over and over that if he didn't want to be with me, he wouldn't be there, but part of me thinks that after all of these years, he has no place to go. Is it me that needs the inner help? I am trying, I think I just need verification from you guys. Thanks for all your prayers and thoughts.

1/26/2009 10:26:40 AM by 1recorder, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/22/2009

Due to the fact that his affair happened a while ago and you stayed, despite his put downs, despite his inability to express his love for you and despite the fact he would not go to counseling, your husband has not had any incentive to make changes. And, to make matters worse, it is quite possible that you both have low self-esteem and it fed into the whole situation- he used that to be confident that you would always keep him- your self-esteem did not demand better and then when the worst happened, you feel, deep down, that somehow you "deserved it." Maybe you hoped in keeping him he would change or he would finally see how loyal and wonderful you are. Instead, it might have sent him the message that you would never ask for better for yourself, for your marriage and even for him. It is possible that he also thinks that he would want a strong woman who would say no to him, who would stand up for what she wants. When you didn't and you took him back, he might have felt that you were less in his eyes even if you were doing it out of good intentions and love. By not working through the problem at the time, by not having solid marriage counseling for both of you as well as individual counseling and by allowing time to pass without him expressing true remorse and you allowing yourself to truly forgive- you have established a pattern of behavior. He probably frequently tells you that it is over and done with and to quit bringing it up and you probably get more and more anxious and worked up because you are still stuck in the moment that you found out the information. You have not gotten past that moment-you are there as if it were yesterday. This vicious cycle will continue...you will blame him (but then accept him back because you feel you don't deserve better and you want to "win" his heart) and he will distance himself from you because he wants a woman who really will demand better. You both are trapped now- if you took the risk and demanded better, he might leave or shut down entirely and you are worried you would be alone so you take what you can get at this point and if you don't demand better (and forgive him for the past) you will never move forward and always be stuck in a horrible place in time. It is not the affair that hurts, but the betrayal of trust...you probably have not made huge gains in this area because when he says "put it behind you" you are still thinking about "how could you have done this to me? Will you do this again?" and he has not been able to assure you that he won't do this again or that he completely gets it. These are things that both marriage and individual counseling could help you resolve. I still encourage you to forgive him and to pray for him. Beyond that, you must look at your life from this date forward rather than from the past forward. Use whatever happened as an opportunity to grow, to learn and to get closer to God instead of going the opposite direction. What do you want in a husband? We really do teach people how to treat us, not just our spouses. What have you taught your husband as far as how you should be treated? Would you be better off separated, even if that means being independent and being alone (if you had your self-worth and dignity intact)? How do you want to spend the remainder of your life? Bitterness, self-pity, doubt and depression would be a very sad way to spend the remaining years you have left. Instead, fill it with God and joy. You can't change your husband and at this point in his life, he is probably well set in his ways. God can do it, but you can't. You can, however, change your own actions, your behavior, your attitude and your sense of self-worth. I encourage you too, to write down what you truly feel you deserve and then write down what you think God thinks you deserve...you might be surprised at what you discover and the amazing ways that God wants to bless you!

1/26/2009 11:48:19 AM by Elizabeth, Vice-President, Delve Christian Ministries

1recorder,ifrst i wanna say god bless you and second i wanna tell you that your past can;t see the future,so if you are reliving the past how can you se the the future?I understand fully though the pan you feel,but i can also add that the lord loves you and your greatest pain is your greatest testimony.What about how you two have made it regaurdless of the affair?Continue to pray for your relationship and let jesus do the rest.Blaming yourself is nature of the beast and he wants you to feel like everything is your fault to keep you from communicating with god.You have to have faith and stand strong in your time of troubles because there is something great at the end of it all trust me.Keep a good mind frame about it all and don;t let the devil steal your joy i see victory for you.GOD bless you

1/27/2009 10:23:23 AM by jodieblunt, Member of Delve into Jesus since 12/2/2008

Sister, You have allowed your husband to define who you are, instead of going to the One Who created you. Only God can tell you who you are and why you are. The Word of God says you are fearfully and wonderfully made. So, whose report will you believe?

1/27/2009 7:49:52 PM by mrspiggy, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/18/2008

I can only attest that when you really do forgive, it IS divine. First you must believe that it is over. Then you need to look at what your husband provides to you - he may not say the words (has he ever been that type of person anyway?) But, does he SHOW you he loves you. It is sometimes hard to express ones feeling verbally, but when you love someone you do find a way to express it. Bringing it up can cause more stress. I found that I told my partner that I would bring it up 3x per year and he could not rebuke that skeleton. Soon after we agreed, I found I never brought it up, his acknowleging the pain I felt helped heal my pain. Knowing he felt guilt, made me feel like I did not want to continue HIS pain. I loved him enough not to want to keep bringing up something panful. I have to say, it was SO HURTFUL and SO HARD to think about, but today, when I have something remind me of the incident, I cannot muster any sense of hurt, anger, resentment - nothing - even when I am angry with my husband, it is not something I can even use to fuel the fire within me, I have been blessed with forgivness and it is good - I no longer hurt, and my husband no longer hurts. Try to look at this differently - is there something you regret? Is there something that you would hate to live with everyday like the white elephant in the room? Your husband knows it is there too and it causes him pain. First, let yourself feel your husband's love - you don't have to hear it to feel it. Then, do you love him enough to let go? Tell your husband that you have been hurting, tell him you are sorry (if you are) that your pain has hurt him. Tell him you are actively going to try to get past it and move on. Ask him if he has any advice. And trust in God, it will come to pass. Forgivness is a 2 way street - it is a gift of peace to the person who gives it just as much as to the person who recieves it. I will say the Our Father for you, and ask you reflect on the words that God gave us in the prayer yourself. We ask his forgiveness of trespesses as we forgive those who trespess on us.

1/28/2009 3:40:04 PM by renew, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/22/2009

Thank you renew. I loved your words of wisdom.

1/28/2009 5:08:27 PM by 1recorder, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/22/2009

Irecorder, What became of the other woman?

1/29/2009 7:55:56 PM by mrspiggy, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/18/2008

Well, she is still around. My husband used to always go to the Amvets to play cards. That is where he met her. He was young and good looking and she chased after him. He told me that because I wouldn't go out drinking with him is when the affair started. She was divorced. He told me it was off and on for years. I suspected something, but wasn't sure. Since he was always in my home and never argumentive or anything, I pretended everything was all right. I just avoided him when he came home after drinking. He never drank at home., and actually hasn't drank for years. We had a social life and a family life together. 2 years ago I ran for the elected position in the office I work in. The day after the election, my Boss (the former elected official) asked me if I had marital problems. I was so shocked as my husband and I were getting along great and had been for a very long time. She then informed me that someone told her that he had a long standing girl friend I talked to him at length that night and we both cried etc. That is why he feels that it should be left in the past now, but this is the hard part for me. My former Boss made me face something that I didn't really want to face up to. And yes, I do feel it I had been prettier or whatever it would not have happened. By coming to this web sight, I realize that is not true, but it is still hard to get over the low self esteem. I realize now that he was probably just dealing with his own issues and not thinking of me or his children when he was at the Amvets. Since my Boss was the one that told me, I feel like everyone in the court house knows and feels like I am a big Sap for sticking by him. I am 64 now and he is 68 and we just moved to a new condo and were starting our GOLDEN years together. Yes, the woman is around, but she basically is what we used to call white trash. I have never met her, but I know her sister and I know her name and I have met her ex daughter in law. I think I am SLOWLY healing, but the process takes a long time. I am so glad to have this web site. Thanks to you all and you Mrs Piggy for asking.

1/30/2009 10:20:52 AM by 1recorder, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/22/2009

1recorder, Don't think that others think negatively of you! 1st - you are elected right, find a little self esteem in that - so many people chose YOU as someone they trust and have faith in. They TRUST your wisdom and decisions. 2nd - Do you realize how hard it was for someone to come forward and tell you? They love you and wanted to make sure you were aware so you can make informed decisions. They trust what you decide! 3rd - People will think poorly of the white trash girl and many wives might be secretly thankful thier husband was not the target, but may wonder if he was. They think poorly of her. 4th- Your hubby has some people thinking poorly of him. They saw him drinking, they saw him cheating. They also see that he finally sobered up in more ways and is lucky to have you as his wife - before, during and most importanly after this mess. HIS present actions heal the hurt for you and win the renewed respect of your and his peers. This is what his challenge is, not yours. 5th - If you believe in your heart that this is over, don't let this ruin your GOLDEN years. Don't let Satan keep hurting you and steal what time you have left - a day, a week, a month, a year, a decade, 35 more years - whatever. We can all go see God at any time. IF it is sooner than we expect, you will kick yourself for not appreciating it more. 6th - God is our ONLY judge - for EVERYONE! Whomever may judge you or your husband will have to face thier thoughts with GOD one day. God knows what is in your heart, your husband's heart and everyone else. Trust in his judgement that will come. 7th -You are beautiful. We get our appearance from our parents - who is your Father - God created you, his daughter, perfect in every way! I hope you are learning and believing in your husband's love in his actions and deeds. You have so much to live for - you said you had children, do you have grandchildren yet? You have a lifetime of good memories to think of to replace the bad thoughts. Go there, relive your good times and achomplishments and maybe even laugh at some of the hard times (when raising kids, there are many between terrible two's and terrilber teens). You guys have so much more than bad! I am currently separated from my husband (not for affairs, stress induced anger). I PRAY that we are together again and both realize how much we need each other. So from me to you, I for one envy your situation and am encouraged that forgiveness is possible and marriage endures.

1/30/2009 10:48:46 AM by renew, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/22/2009

Yes we have grandchildren---6 to be exact--and we both enjoy them. He is much more relaxed and open with the grandchildren and is working on a better relationship with his son and daughter. The only thing he still does now and then is put me down in front of them. When I stand up for myself now , the kids get uncomfortable. I know we are not going to get divorced, but possibly they don't. Sorry to hear that you are seperated. That has to be a scary thing. I pray that you get back together. It is nice to have a companion. I think at my age I am stepping back a little to see what I really want for the rest of my life. When you have children, you spend so much of your time seeing to their needs, that your own go last, and now maybe it is time to think about not only me but US. I have to admit that I was pretty attached to my children and maybe I didn't put his needs first. I love this site---don't you?

1/30/2009 11:53:42 AM by 1recorder, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/22/2009

I put my children and husband's needs so far above my own, it seems to have backfired that I got a little lost myself, and my husband now thinks that I am responsible for any unhappiness while still giving me credit for the happy times we do have together. He would be the first to acknowledge that I gave everything to everyone else first. It just is crappy now that he can maintain that, yet not want to look at the future and see that overcoming stress now together will be be a good testament for our children on the importance of marriage, family and togetherness. I can't make him open his heart to see if God has a plan, he needs to do it on his own. It is most difficult to be with someone who does not believe in God's word to include marriage beyond the 10 commandments. I am sorry that your husband's humor uses you as the punchine in a cruel way. You children are old enough to see who starts it and any discomfort is probably that they wish they had the strength to take up for you themselves, or perhaps take up for themselves like you do when the tables turn. When it comes to children, we always ARE children ourselves in our eyes when it comes to our parents. I am a grown adult who has not lived in the same state with my parents for 10 years, and when I am with them, I still know that I am thier baby, even if I have 4 of my own that I take full care of. It is so hard to not respect them as I did as a child in so many ways. And when they are really off base on things, it is hard to correct their ways because it hurts to maybe turn the tables on them and become the voice of responsiblity. My parents are great. The most crazy thing is watching my dad with all the grandkids. He is NOT the same as when he raised me. He is so much more (in my view) caring, gives more hugs and kisses and (gasp!) says 'I love you' all the time. Granted, not once, EVER did I think my dad was not the greatest, NEVER did I think he did not love me tons, but he NEVER showed it and said it the way he does with grandchildren. I kind of think I get it - I have raised my teens since babyhood and now I have another set of babies. I did not realize when the teens were babies that it would not last, that I would not be a hero because I simply knew the words to Barney's song. In so many ways, they out grew me, I did not out grow them. They grew up before I realized that it would happen to US - sure, 'other' parents said that about teens, sure, I outgrew my parents, but I did not think it would happen to US....it did. They love me, I love them, we are still close, but not like a baby. I feel more patient, more appreciative and more lucky this time around with babies - I have seen the future so to speak and I am not willing to give up one second of the feeling I get by being in the presence of little baby eyes that think I can move a mountian. So, your husband is probably going though that - I think men his age, from his time, were not equipted to be caregivers, they were not raised like that. But now, he can let go of the stigma's and be that person. At least, that is how I think of my dad. I don't begrudge the lack of attention in that way he did not give us growing up, I am just so thankful that he is still here and I hope he is for many, many more years so my kids can always remember that special bond with grandpa. I pray that you and your husband find happiness together more and more each day. I hope he realizes how lucky he is to have you. He surrely must be proud of your accomplishments, maybe he mocks you because he is jealous that you are such a better person? I pray that you let go of any low self image - you need to enjoy every aspect of every day that God has given you. I do love this site, talking with you makes my problems seem less scary and gives me renewed faith in God's plan by helping ME let go of a lot of my issues. It is so easy to give advice, I am trying to take it to my own heart. If I believe in God's plan for you and others, how can I not help to trust He has a plan for me. I just hope my husband hears the same message, even if he is not asking for it.

1/30/2009 2:45:09 PM by renew, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/22/2009

I did not ask about the other woman to dredge up bad memories. I wanted to know if she had repented of her sin. I will pray for her to repent and come into the knowledge of God. Will you join me? I know it may cause you a little pain, but please pray for her. Jesus said to love your enemies and praying for a person is the utmost love you can show them. Jesus died for all of us, her too. As Renew has posted don't worry about what others think, your life is between you and God. Only His thoughts of you shuld matter. II Chronicles 16:9 says that the eyes of God roam to and fro over the earth searching for those who are committed to Him so that He can show Himself strong. Just concentrate on Him seeing you. Yes, this is a wonderful site. It is a loving community of people who love God and His people. "By this will they know that you are mine. That you show love to one another."

1/30/2009 2:51:02 PM by mrspiggy, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/18/2008

My elected position is as a County recorder/registar. We record all real estate transactions in the county. Handle all birth, death and marriage records and are the arm of the department of natural resources. Meaning we sell hunting, fishing licenses and register boats and snowmobiles etc. We are also Passport agents. It is not a high profile job like working with the court system, but is very interesting and also very challenging as I have to budget for the office etc. We bring in a million a year for the county each year. I had a GREAT week end. Yesterday my husband had a date bygoing to the movie. We joked around about him walking me to the door etc. Then the rest of the week end was pretty peaceful also. My kids were over for Sunday dinner and no sarcastic remakrs or anything. I felt great. Hope everyone else had a good week end also.

2/1/2009 5:42:17 PM by 1recorder, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/22/2009

Duh. I guess I could have figured it out by your name, huh? I asked because some wise person on this site mentioned finding common ground. I have much respect for you. I am in the title business and have been to a lot of county offices recording deeds and mortgages over the years. I'm happy that your weekend was nice. What movie did you see? I just got home from my part-time job at H&R Block. It was my first time working on a Sunday in many years. I went to early service at church, so I was pumped up when I got to work. I shared part of the message with my co-workers.

2/1/2009 7:23:11 PM by mrspiggy, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/18/2008

I AM SO HAPPY TO HEAR THAT YOU HAD A DATE NIGHT AND MORE! I really, really am pleased to know you are looking, finding, living, believing, trusting and seeing the joy in your marriage in the everyday encounters and moments!!! That is wonderful! Funny, my first 'real' job was abstracting - I worked for a company and lived in the courthouses to research titles for closings. It was interesting and a fun 'puzzle' to put together. Especially whenI would get a title that reached the Louisiana Purchase (it was in French, it was old and brittle, so we assumed it to be a clear title). A wonderful path of history that links families. Small world we found here in the 'world wide web'.

2/2/2009 12:55:42 AM by renew, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/22/2009

This site is unreal. My sister does taxes for Block. She is a retired system analyst from Honeywell and has been doing taxes for many years. She is 75 and looks much much younger and is sharp as a tack. Many people request her to do their taxes. And then to find out that you both have been in Real estate that is uncanny. I do love my job. We went and saw Last Chance Harvey with Dustin Hoffman. It was just a fluff film. I really wanted to go see Gran Tornio, but that will be another time. Hope you gals are doing well.

2/2/2009 9:22:16 AM by 1recorder, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/22/2009

Ah, Dustin Hoffman. I like him. Yes, I would have rather watch Clint, too. Funny, but I like films that depict good vs evil. I'm a big Stephen King fan for this reason. I enjoy doing taxes but not as much as the closings I do. I think it has something to do with "possesing the land". It is so wonderful to be a part of a person closing on their first home. As we go through the HUD, I tell them which cost are tax deductible. And I spend time explaining all the disclosures, when and how they came to be. I hold a paralegal degree with focus on real estate law. All is well. Be blessed in the name of the One who is the lover of your soul.

2/2/2009 9:49:19 AM by mrspiggy, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/18/2008

My life has been so blessed since I found this web sight and all of you. I have felt so enlightened that I can't explain it and it has shown through so much in my marriage. We seem to be enjoying each others company more and more these days. It is almost spooky how we seem to be thinking the same thoughts and almost finish each others sentances. I love life and all of you guys and gals.

2/17/2009 10:07:10 AM by 1recorder, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/22/2009

That's a wonderful report! It is the type of words our Father wants us to say about our marriages and our spouses. These are the words that line up with His words. This is how He heals us.

2/17/2009 2:52:59 PM by mrspiggy, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/18/2008

Praise God and bless His holy name He has blessed you both enjoy it.

2/17/2009 3:55:29 PM by mammak, Member of Delve into Jesus since 9/3/2008

Yes, praise God, this is a wonderful site. I rather stumbled onto it in looking up material dealing with healing from an affair. I've been married for 39 years and found out last November that my husband was involved with another woman for approximately 4 weeks. We've had some stressful challenges; our adult daught is bipolar and for several years we were the guardians of her 3 sons. She has been in and out of our home for the last 17 years. The evening I discovered the affair and confronted my husband, after I left our home, he went to see our pastor and confessed all of his struggles over the years. We are in a counseling group that works with our church; he sees his psychologist, I see my therapist and then we see a marriage and fmly. counselor together. We are also attending a 12 step program which is for folks who experience various types of challenges. This meets weekly at another church and is very informative in a group lecture and then we break down into gender groups which are specific to our own individual challenges. This is a 17 week course called 180Xchange. We are beginning to get our family back again. Our daughter, her sons, and our adult son were so dissappointed by my husband's actions that they wanted nothing to do with him. When they learned a few weeks later that we were attempting to reconcile they were then very distraught with me and did not want me to choose the reconcilation. Therefore, my heart was broken in many places, the affair and now the absence of my children and grandchildren. There were times that it was almost more than I could stand. Individually and together my husband and I would pray and ask God to please look after our family and it would be by His grace, alone, that we might become a family again. Four months later there are signs of our family healing - thank you Lord. This can be a time of spiritual intercession. Realizing that God so often takes a horrible occurance and in time brings forth wonderful results from this terrible pain, I know that in the beginning, I first felt that "how dare he, we seemed so happy, even he said that he was happy with our marriage." Yet, he had experienced a huge loss and an extreme dissappointment in himself in a matter, and he had struggled with issues for quite some time. I'd been sensing something just not being right and tried to talk with him; but he had to fall, he had to become fully broken before he could begin total recovery guided by God. It has been a huge weight lifted from my husband to have been able to confess his life's sins to his God, our pastor, his counselors and of course to me. I feel there is a true HOPE for a marriage - one that is based truly on Godly principles. You know, so many people on their wedding day seem to slide right over those words, "for better, for WORSE," you have to be prepared to hang on to God.....at all of those times! I recall thinking when I first discovered the affair - that's it, I'm leaving! Then a voice within me said, "don't give into the evil one, give me an opportunity - come walk with me daughter, I'll guide you." Instead of Satan taking down 7 of us in our family - God has shown us His power and through laying it all - especially the most difficult "STUFF" at the foot of the cross, I'm so thankful I listened and took that walk with Jesus - and he showing me just what is possible in a relationship with my husband. We are still a work in progress and on a road I definetly want to travel with he and our Savior.. This site is awesome - it means a great deal to know I'm not alone. blessings, p.j.

3/10/2009 1:14:55 PM by p.j., Member of Delve into Jesus since 3/10/2009

Amen to you! I love to hear that you and your husband have both answered God's call to endure and rebuild your commitment!

3/10/2009 1:58:46 PM by renew, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/22/2009

That is great and may your love for each other grow even stronger as you go deeper with Him, your story will bless so many, it has me.

3/10/2009 11:39:19 PM by mammak, Member of Delve into Jesus since 9/3/2008

PJ I am so glad you found this sight. I also found it by accident and it opened up my eyes so much and the people are wonderful. My husband and I are doing so well but I am sorry that I still feel that I will never forgive the other woman. She knew he was married and drinking and took advantage of the situation at the time even if it was many years ago. He told me that she did ask him to leave me and he did say no way. Anyway, you can forgive your husband and move on and life can be good, but talk to us whenever you need to. It will sweep over you at odd times, and that is when you need us. Recorder1

3/11/2009 1:54:57 PM by 1recorder, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/22/2009

Recorder1, I understand the pain of not wanting or unable to forgive the other woman "ow". I was fortunate in that this relationship was short lived, yet, I had numerous negative thoughts of this person initially and a couple of months thereafter. A couple of things began coming to mind either through christian counseling and/or christian publications I'd come to read; this thorn in my side, my inability to forgive the "ow" was only holding me back and our marriage from an opportunity of total healing. In stepping out of the emotional/anger box, "which can be very difficult to do," I was able to think of how truly broken the "ow" is as an individual. She knew he was married and she infact is married - no children. We all know that sin is such a short lived high. People obtain gratification from it in various ways, yet that gratification does not fulfill the person and is not a life-time experience, such as our relationship with Christ is. There is a huge void in the heart of anyone's "ow", it is dark, lonely, and cries out - but until the "ow" opens her heart to Christ, or she encounters a christian who with God's assistance blows her away with, "I'll pray for you," Satan will be the one who hears her cry - rushes to her with empty promises of (listen to me, I have a very easy way to make you feel better, no one will know, no one will get hurt, you deserve some happiness). From there she falls and continues to fall, either repeating some of her actions from prior affairs, or hopelessly giving of herself sinfully thinking that would bring her love. As our husbands and wives return to us there is also the feeling of rejection for the "ow" or other man "om". Without Christ, Satan still has a stronghold there. Does this mean that I want to invite the "ow" over for a cookout..of course NOT! But, I will pray for her, and should I ever be in her company again, if Christ wants me to, he'll provide the opportunity for me to tell her, "I will pray for you." At least I will know then, that she has had the opportunity to truly see Christ. blessings to you all, p.j.

3/12/2009 11:15:08 AM by p.j., Member of Delve into Jesus since 3/10/2009

I don't have the organized religion that you all seem to have. It is missing in my life I guess. I was raised in several different churches--first in the Friends church (as that was what my mom was) But I also attended bible school at a lutheran church. When I was 8 we moved to this town and joined the Church of the Brethren and was baptized by submersion. That scared me a lot. That is where I went to church until I met my husband. He was raised and attended catholic school. I converted and was married in the catholic church. As I got older I realized that there are way too many things that I didn't agree with in the catholic teachings. I don't see the point of that nasty confessions and how you are treated. Plus in my church we had potlucks etc and knew all the people, in the catholic church it isn't like that at all. Too many rules and my husband dropped out and so did I, but where do I belong? I think my husband is afraid to go to church as he feels he sinned big time (although he won't admit to it)and I don't feel comfortable either. I believe strongly in God or I wouldn't be on this sight, so I hope that you new friends will understand and maybe can help me. But NO I just can't forgive the other woman!!!! 1recorder

3/12/2009 3:59:51 PM by 1recorder, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/22/2009

1recorder, I so hope that I did not hurt your feelings with my last posting. Heaven only knows that we have all been hurt and I would not want to send negative thoughts to anyone - certainly who has suffered this type of pain. I am so very sorry, 1recorder, and to any one else who may have been puzzled negatively with my last posting. I will certainly respond regarding my walk with God, which has only been in about the last 8 years of my 59+ ones. I will have to get back with you - again, I am so sorry for your struggles and pain. Beginning just may be this site and perhaps with others and their sharing of his/her faith. blessings to all, p.j.

3/12/2009 4:24:24 PM by p.j., Member of Delve into Jesus since 3/10/2009

1Recorder, I'm sure there is a good Bible-based church that you could attend if you wanted to. You could again enjoy potluck dinners and be with people who love God and His Word. You don't have to tell them your private business, just be the lovable person we have come to know. Why deprive others of yourself? Then, you could tell us about it. My church home is huge. We are over two thousand members. I don't know them all of course, but I get to meet new people all the time. Tomorrow night we are having a Ladies Shut-In. We have what is called a "Blessing" table. Everybody brings something and put it on the table, such as clothing, jewelry, books, cd's, etc. Then, we can take from the table any item we wish. We eat, give testimonies, sing, have make-overs, pray, cry, laugh and enjoy the sisterhood of God's daughters. We spend the night. Some sleep, while others stay up all night. Oh, we have movies and popcorn. It's a big sleep-over for grownup women. It's a good time to meet other women I don't know. What do you think of that?

3/12/2009 9:41:21 PM by mrspiggy, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/18/2008

Sounds like a blast. I would like something like that. I am considering going back to the church that I was raised in as I probably do know some people there. They have a new church since I grew up, but I have been there for each of my parents funerals and it is a very nice church. I will see...... I am great today though!!!!!

3/13/2009 10:47:30 AM by 1recorder, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/22/2009

Going back to the church you loved as a child can be a good move because it is more of a reunion than just going to a new church.

3/13/2009 7:04:39 PM by mrspiggy, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/18/2008

Please login to add a comment