I am struggling horribly with forgiving my father for sexually molesting me some 30 years ago. I know I need to do this - His word tells me to do this; in fact it is required of me. If I am to move forward in my walk with God then I have to forgive. I mean, how foolish I am and how self centered? If God can forgive all of us - past, present and future sins - and he did so through the death of his only Son - then how can I not forgive?

I read the Word, I pray, and I talk to others. But I can't let it go. I moved back home a year ago - one of the main reasons was to learn to forgive my father and to be in the same room with him and have a conversation without losing my temper or making him lose his. Its been over a year now and I am moving out. Both for my own sanity and for my parents. Everything I have read and been told tells me that forgiveness is for me - it is not intended for my father. But I have so many questions - why did he chose me and not my sister? why didn't he love me enough to not do that? and if daughter's marry someone like their fathers, then am I destined to marry someone who will do the same thing to our daughter? how could the adults in my life not know what was going on? and why didn't I tell anyone about is so it would stop? how do I forgive myself for allowing it to continue and what do I do with all this pain in my heart?

Okay - so while this looks like some sort of a pity party - I guess I am really asking for your prayers and maybe some outside insight into something else I should be doing. I trust the Lord and I know that while he didn't desert me during my childhood and there is a reason for what happened - I am struggling to understand what I am supposed to do with this part of my life. I don't understand why it is so hard for me to forgive my father when everything inside of me tells me I have to - that if I am to accept grace I first have to be willing to give it and that if God can forgive someone like Hitler then I must be willing to forgive my father. And how do I know when I have forgiven him? Some days I do great and I don't have such anger and guilt inside me and other days its all I can do not to scream some obscenity at my father for even asking me a question or saying good morning?
Thanks for reading and listening.

12/2/2008 1:47:42 PM by piper911, Member of Delve into Jesus since 9/7/2008

First i want to say SORRY If i could do anythig to ease your pain i would, i want to put my arms around you and love you, This is not your fault your Dad has let you down, your not foolish or self centered you are hurt and confused, i'm sorry to add to your pain but forgivness is for your father, it's the only way you can be free of this, your Dad will face this one day i pray it's on earth, only God knows the answers to your questions, but the one about the pain in your heart .. give it to Him, let Him love you answer your questions He will, you will know when you have forgiven you Dad you will feel it, so will your Dad, i sound like it's so simple , it's not it's painful., you want him to pay to say sorry to hurt like you, well i think he does he can't afford to show it, it's maybe how he copes, it's not right or helpful. You need to say to satan NO MORE ENOUGH .
Lord You know all here You have the answer You are the answer, touch Piper911, heal her , let her see through your eyes, let her feel with Your heart, while You heal hers, let her see she is made in Your image, fill her with Your joy, peace help her Lord, in Jesus name
satan you have no authority here, we draw the blood line of Jesus around Piper we say no weapon formed against her shall prosper, we deman you return all you have stolen, the blood was your downfall but Pipers protection.
Read His word, pray Psalm 23 /91 ... deuteronomy 18 the blessings.

God be with you in all you do, Lord i bring the man Pipper is to marry before You i pray he be a man of God one that will LOVE and PROTECT Piper i pray the marrige be blessed You be the head,in Jesus name

12/2/2008 5:10:32 PM by mammak, Member of Delve into Jesus since 9/3/2008

Dear Piper911,
What happened is in the Past.
You are a survivor. Thank God for that.
The past is over. It can't hurt you any more. Unless you let it...
The truth is, you yourself are free to make choices.
You are free to stay the victim, kept in bondage, and dwell on the hurtful past, and keep hitting re-play in your mind. (And stay hurt and bitter with an unforgiving heart.) Or you are free to choose to leave the past behind, and move forward. You can choose to let go of the hurt. You can choose to forgive everyone who ever hurt you or did wrong to you. You can choose healing. You can focus on right here, and right now. You can daily walk with Jesus, and choose to walk in love. The choice is all yours. (I pray you make the right choice.)
(((Hug)))

12/2/2008 10:52:12 PM by Ignited~Faith, Member of Delve into Jesus since 2/20/2008

you are a living testimony of what strength means and you could be a voice to help to others of your same situation that was an ungodly thing happend to you and my heart is yours truthfully believe me he will have to answer for the things he done rely on jesus he is the answer to all things use your past to dominate your future with the lord leading the way god bless remember notice your strength , jody

12/3/2008 12:10:08 AM by jodieblunt, Member of Delve into Jesus since 12/2/2008

Piper911,

My post can be a bit much to take. But, please know it is done in love. You are right, forgiveness of your father is for you. When we don't forgive, we are in disobedience. Disobedience is sin. In the eyes of God, unforgiveness is as much a sin as what your father did to you. Sin is sin. There are no "little sins" and "big sins". When you really think about it, your father as your father, had certain responsibilities to you as his child. He was disobedient, too. He was deceived by satan, which is why he did what he did to you. He was blind to the Truth. Remember what Jesus said on the cross, "Forgive them, for they know not what the are doing." The same applies here. Forgive your father, for he didn't know what he was doing. And if you ask him all the questions hovering in your head, he won't be able to answer them. He don't know why. Confess your sin to God, seek His forgiveness and ask Him to heal all the pain in your heart. Pray for your father's salvation. It is up to you to show him what Jesus looks like. God can and will change your father's heart. Pray without ceasing. I will be praying for you and your father.

12/3/2008 3:44:35 PM by mrspiggy, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/18/2008

Bless You...You have been through alot. They say what don't kill us will make us stronger. My sister all you can do is turn your negative past into something positive. Like...reach out to other children that are/have been in your situation. You father has already hurt you so there is no need to keep hurting yourself. That's what unforgiveness does to us...complete misery. And for what it is worth...I love you and I pray that God mends your heart. Only God can make your father pay for his sins. This battle is not ours...it is the Lords...God Bless

12/28/2008 7:45:06 PM by mexbias08, Member of Delve into Jesus since 12/25/2008

It has been a long time since I have visited this site and I am overwhelmed at the love and concern in response to my post. I have spent and continue to spend each and every day talking to God and thanking Him for all He had given me. I am truly blessed and while I still at times struggle with the guilt I have forgiven my dad and given everything else to God. I can't take this anymore and I can't do it alone - so I reach for the only one who has truly loved me and forgives me no matter what.

I thank each of you for your love, support and kindness. It means more than I can say.

1/7/2009 8:53:57 PM by piper911, Member of Delve into Jesus since 9/7/2008

Piper911....I have walked in your shoes...and noone understands the depth of emotion unless they do. So I will tell you what i have learned in the past year that have helped me with the same issues.
I don't know about you, but I was very angry at God for a very long time..Why did He let this happen. etc...Someone reminded me He does not control free will, that struck a cord to me.I also read a faith based book called The wounded Heart. I reccommend it, beginning very difficult to read. Sometimes one paragraph and I was sobbing.However I was forced to think about things not run away from those memories.Helped tramendously.Learned alot of those raging feelings are shame. What a distructive emotion. When you reallystart to understand that its freeing and lots and lots of talking with God to help both let go and forgive. When it happens it is such a freeing experience. I pray you will reach this point. But I know if I could you can ....I urge you to really try, it also ties into trusting people, for a successful marraige you need trust.And admittly we are at a disadvantage on this.But to let go and forgive it opens up so many other good healthy emotions. I will pray for you everyday now.God will make you whole in heart again.

1/10/2009 9:31:14 AM by still learning, Member of Delve into Jesus since 1/10/2009

Piper, You may never see this response, because you posted such a long time ago, but I want you to check out this website
www.onevoiceenterprises.com. The young lady who runs this organization has gone through the same thing as you and she is a wonderful inspiration. She has helped people in my family who have gone through abuse as well. She has also written several books that are very easy to read, and centered on healing through Jesus Christ. I hope and pray the best for you - I know you will overcome this and be fine!

7/20/2010 6:25:34 PM by cathgirl, Member of Delve into Jesus since 7/20/2010

God bless your strength and your acknowledgement of his grace and power. I've never been in a situation as serious as yours but if I would dare to offer any advice it would simply be that sometimes the best/only thing to do with questions is to let them go. Surrender your life to Jesus like so many loaves and fishes and may he transform you as he transformed them. God bless and keep you

5/6/2011 9:30:44 AM by John47, Member of Delve into Jesus since 5/6/2011